Kayleigh was our oldest child and as the oldest it meant that some things she did she had never seen happen to anyone else in the family before. A classic example was when she got her first loose tooth.
Now we had always stressed the importance of cleaning her teeth so imagine her complete shock when one day, in kindergarten, one of her bottom teeth had become wobbly. Kayleigh asked her dad and I what was happening - she looked really really worried. We told her that her teeth were going to come out and she would grow new ones. Kayleigh looked at us horrified - and then started crying. I had to give her hugs until she calmed down enough to tell us what was wrong. Kayleigh told us she didn't want her teeth to fall out, it actually scared her and she thought ALL of her teeth were going to fall out all at once. Maybe we explained it badly? I had to talk slowly through it and that only the woobly tooth would come out and then a new tooth would replace it. She was still a little apprehensive until the tooth fairy gave her $2 for it, then she couldn't wait to lose the next one :-)
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
On your birthday
On this day, 15 years ago, I was in labour, and finally saw you for the first time at 23:23 (11:23 pm). The first thing you did was sneeze. Today, looking back on your life I remember the little thing we did together and the little thing you did by yourself that made you the person that you were.
I remember laying down next to you when you were little and over tired, hugging you and singing to you until you finally stop struggling and eventually went to sleep.
I remember sitting with you reading a book and you being more interested in what your dad was doing than the pictures on the page.
I remember you playing with your dad's tools and playing golf in the backyard.
I remember you grinning at me when you had done the wrong thing.
I remember you trying to tell a lie, me looking straight at you and you breaking out laughing and admitting the truth.
I remember talking to you every night as you went to bed about the people you spoke to at school and what your friends talked about.
I remember fighting with you and you trying to see if you were physically stronger than me (you never were) , and trying to find the boundaries and I remember holding you down on your bed, hugging you until you calmed down.
Most of all I remember you smiles, your laugh and the love you gave. I remember the hugs you gave me every afternoon when I got home from work. And I remember you saying 'I Love you' and I listen to you say it each week on the message you left on my phone.
I remember laying down next to you when you were little and over tired, hugging you and singing to you until you finally stop struggling and eventually went to sleep.
I remember sitting with you reading a book and you being more interested in what your dad was doing than the pictures on the page.
I remember you playing with your dad's tools and playing golf in the backyard.
I remember you grinning at me when you had done the wrong thing.
I remember you trying to tell a lie, me looking straight at you and you breaking out laughing and admitting the truth.
I remember talking to you every night as you went to bed about the people you spoke to at school and what your friends talked about.
I remember fighting with you and you trying to see if you were physically stronger than me (you never were) , and trying to find the boundaries and I remember holding you down on your bed, hugging you until you calmed down.
Most of all I remember you smiles, your laugh and the love you gave. I remember the hugs you gave me every afternoon when I got home from work. And I remember you saying 'I Love you' and I listen to you say it each week on the message you left on my phone.
Monday, December 5, 2011
The turnip play
In either Kindergarten or year one, Kayleigh had the lead role in a play at the year assembly. She was the only one that had to speak and she was chosen because she had a nice loud voice that would carry through the hall. The play was based on the story of the farmer who wanted to pull out a turnip from the ground, and it was too hard so got help (by his wife, the horse, the cat, the dog etc). Each time a new 'helper' was added Kayleigh had to yell '1,2,3'. The funny thing was that the (rather large cardboard) turnip - which was velcro'ed onto the back of a table on a sheet - kept falling off, so Kayleigh basically had to hold it steady and pretend that it wasn't about the hit the floor. Then when it was supposed to be 'pulled' out of the ground, the turnip finally stuck and Kayleigh pulled it up sheet and all. She then had to wrestled with the sheet to get the turnip off. It was all rather funny. Kayleigh took it all in her stride (some young kids would have been devastated) and laughed as well. I was proud of her.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Fundraising Chocolates - please never again
Kayleigh had lots of times where she had to sell fundraising chocolates for school, In preschool we sold 3 boxes of freddo frogs to people at my work -it seemed to go OK and I didn't mind.
However - - - in year 2, Kayleigh and Natassja were given a mixed box of malteasers, starburst sankes etc to sell at $4 a box - a total of 20 boxes in all (or $80 worth). Somehow they brought them home without Terence noticing them, and Kayleigh did not tell me that they had them to sell. I didn't find out until a week later when I was cleaning their room and found 20 EMPTY boxes of malteasers/starburst under the bed, at the back of the cupboard and in their clothes. Kayleigh and Natassja managed to eat ALL the boxes. I was horrified because now we were in debt to the school for $80 with nothing to show for it.
The school was really good about it - the poor front counter staff member was in tears of laughter when we told her, and they allowed us to pay them off. I must say, from that point on it was 'Fundraising chocolates - not thinks. Please, never again!!!!'
However - - - in year 2, Kayleigh and Natassja were given a mixed box of malteasers, starburst sankes etc to sell at $4 a box - a total of 20 boxes in all (or $80 worth). Somehow they brought them home without Terence noticing them, and Kayleigh did not tell me that they had them to sell. I didn't find out until a week later when I was cleaning their room and found 20 EMPTY boxes of malteasers/starburst under the bed, at the back of the cupboard and in their clothes. Kayleigh and Natassja managed to eat ALL the boxes. I was horrified because now we were in debt to the school for $80 with nothing to show for it.
The school was really good about it - the poor front counter staff member was in tears of laughter when we told her, and they allowed us to pay them off. I must say, from that point on it was 'Fundraising chocolates - not thinks. Please, never again!!!!'
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Things to be grateful for
Although Kayleigh has passed away, I can't help feeling a little grateful about things, even though I want her back more than anything in the world.
1. I know that she is no longer here
I am grateful that I know what happened - think about the high profile stories like Daniel Morcombe and the hundreds of families each year that have children and teenagers go missing. They don't know if their kids are alive or dead. They don't know what was happened to them. I can grieve over my lost girl, they can't. They have a sense of loss, but not knowing what has happened means they can't grieve properly or really move on - they have a hole in their lives that had huge question marks around it.
2. She wasn't in pain when she passed.
By all accounts, because Kayleigh heart failed, she would have been completely unaware that she was dying. and if she was it would have been less than 10 seconds of possible awareness - to her it was probably like going to sleep. For all the kids that have died in horrible car accidents, house fires, beaten up by others - they would have been scared, frightened and in pain - maybe for hours before they died. I am grateful in a way that Kayleigh did not suffer before she died.
3. We got to say goodbye
Those 36 hours that Kayleigh was on life support was hard, but it give give us, the other kids and the family a chance to say good bye, to be there when she breathed her last breath and to listen to her fading heart beat. So many people do not get that chance, they go to bed at night and find their beloved child gone in the morning.
4. We got to know her
So many people that I know have lost children as an infant - some a couple of days after birth, some a little later. We had Kayleigh for 13 1/2 years and am I grateful that we knew her that long. Yes I would have preferred that I was old and grey before she died, but we saw her grow and got to know her personality and watch her as she struggled to make friends and be happy with herself. So many people don't even get this opportunity.
5. She was happy
Kayleigh did not want to die. She had finally got to a place in her life where she was happy at home and at school. She had friends that cared, she felt like things were finally on track for her. There are many suicides each year by teenagers that are depressed and not coping. Suicide is a tragic horrible loss for everyone. Kayleigh had been depressed in year 6, she struggled daily to be happy, but she found what she was missing when she went to high school. I am grateful that Kayleigh wanted to live, wanted to experience life - she didn't want to die.
1. I know that she is no longer here
I am grateful that I know what happened - think about the high profile stories like Daniel Morcombe and the hundreds of families each year that have children and teenagers go missing. They don't know if their kids are alive or dead. They don't know what was happened to them. I can grieve over my lost girl, they can't. They have a sense of loss, but not knowing what has happened means they can't grieve properly or really move on - they have a hole in their lives that had huge question marks around it.
2. She wasn't in pain when she passed.
By all accounts, because Kayleigh heart failed, she would have been completely unaware that she was dying. and if she was it would have been less than 10 seconds of possible awareness - to her it was probably like going to sleep. For all the kids that have died in horrible car accidents, house fires, beaten up by others - they would have been scared, frightened and in pain - maybe for hours before they died. I am grateful in a way that Kayleigh did not suffer before she died.
3. We got to say goodbye
Those 36 hours that Kayleigh was on life support was hard, but it give give us, the other kids and the family a chance to say good bye, to be there when she breathed her last breath and to listen to her fading heart beat. So many people do not get that chance, they go to bed at night and find their beloved child gone in the morning.
4. We got to know her
So many people that I know have lost children as an infant - some a couple of days after birth, some a little later. We had Kayleigh for 13 1/2 years and am I grateful that we knew her that long. Yes I would have preferred that I was old and grey before she died, but we saw her grow and got to know her personality and watch her as she struggled to make friends and be happy with herself. So many people don't even get this opportunity.
5. She was happy
Kayleigh did not want to die. She had finally got to a place in her life where she was happy at home and at school. She had friends that cared, she felt like things were finally on track for her. There are many suicides each year by teenagers that are depressed and not coping. Suicide is a tragic horrible loss for everyone. Kayleigh had been depressed in year 6, she struggled daily to be happy, but she found what she was missing when she went to high school. I am grateful that Kayleigh wanted to live, wanted to experience life - she didn't want to die.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
What frustrated me the most after Kayleigh passed away
When Kayleigh passed away, the first week was very difficult - won't go into it now. After that I started getting very frustrated and in fact angry at one group of people - the religious pushy people. Now don't get me wrong, I respect people with religious beliefs and have many friends that attend church regularly and none of them were an issue. They all know that I am not religious in any way (I would class myself as atheist / agnostic) but there were people on the fringes, and even people that we didn't know who would push their religion on us, at a time where it was not wanted or liked.
The first came a couple of days after Kayleigh died - before the funeral. I don't know who sent it, but I got a whole wad of pamphlets and information about God and the afterlife and how children are chosen to be angels in heaven. I took one look at it and saw red. I think that wad of paper was put in the fire that night. I was so angry that people would use my grief to push their ''message''. The weeks after saw a parade of people, some that we sort of knew through our children and some that we did not know at all, approach us. Most gave their condolences, which was appreciated, but there were the few that couldn't help themselves. We were barraged with many versions of the following:
A word of advice, if someone you know experiences a tragedy like this, and you don't know if they are religious, or what religion they may follow - don't mention your religion, because you are not helping. Not at all.
The first came a couple of days after Kayleigh died - before the funeral. I don't know who sent it, but I got a whole wad of pamphlets and information about God and the afterlife and how children are chosen to be angels in heaven. I took one look at it and saw red. I think that wad of paper was put in the fire that night. I was so angry that people would use my grief to push their ''message''. The weeks after saw a parade of people, some that we sort of knew through our children and some that we did not know at all, approach us. Most gave their condolences, which was appreciated, but there were the few that couldn't help themselves. We were barraged with many versions of the following:
- 'She's with her god now, she's in a better place'.
- 'God needed another angel and she was chosen'
- 'I've spoken to my priest and he would love to meet with you and discuss gods way'
- 'Although you are sad, she is with god now and she's happy, so you should be happy too'
A word of advice, if someone you know experiences a tragedy like this, and you don't know if they are religious, or what religion they may follow - don't mention your religion, because you are not helping. Not at all.
Monday, November 7, 2011
I thought she would be OK. . . .
I guess in a lot of ways I am the eternal optimist - even when Kayleigh was not breathing and had no heart beat, and we were doing CPR, I thought she was going to be OK. Terence I think had already grasped that Kayleigh was not OK - he said 'we've lost her Jude, we've lost her'. And I kept on going that she was going to OK, we just had to keep going. When the ambulance arrived (finally) and worked on her and finally got signs of life, I felt relieved - I thought then she was going to be OK - I later remembered the the ambulance guy said we have some signs - they never said they got her.
When we were waiting in the hospital emergency services area in a special room when they were working on her further,and the emergency room manager came and spoke to us - he told us that she had started attempting to breathe on her own and they had to paralyse the area so that the breathing machine would breathe for her - I took this as a positive sign and though she would be OK. I remember now that when we saw her in that room before they moved her up to ICU that no-one in the room spoke to us, they all looked away - it was really quiet, all I can think is they knew that Kayleigh was not going to make it but no-one said anything to us at that stage. I still thought she was going to make it.
When they moved her upstairs to ICU one of the nurses sat down and told us Kayleigh's eyes had been fixed and dilated since she had arrived at hospital and that this was not a good sign as it showed severe brain damage had occurred and we should prepare for the worst and think about organ donation - I looked at her and thought - 'Hey this is Kayleigh!! You don't know her, how dare you tell me this - you're not even a qualified doctor!' I still thought she would be OK.
Over the next 36 hours as Kayleigh laid in the ICU hooked up to machines and drips and all sorts of things, I though she would be OK. Even though her pupils didn't move (although at one stage they looked like they did get smaller) and there was no movement except for the breathing (controlled by the machine) I still thought she would be OK.
After the cardiologist had checked her heart and said there was no structural issues with it, it came down to how long her brain was without blood supply and oxygen. I knew that Terence and I started CPR within 5 minutes of Kayleigh collapsing, so in my mind I thought she had a chance. What I didn't know is that brain damage occurs up to 48 hours after the brain is starved of blood supply/oxygen - with the first 24 hours being the most critical. Although she may have been 'OK' by the time she got to hospital, she was not 'OK' after 24 hours.
The ICU doctor told us to prepare for the worst before the CAT scan was performed. Kayleigh was not responding in any manner. I still thought she might be OK - I think by then I was in denial. Terence and I left the hospital while they performed the CAT scan. We were told of the result when we got back. We were asked about organ donation. I didn't know what to think.
When they turned the machine off and I listened to her heart slowing down, part of me still thought - hey this is Kayleigh she'll start breathing on her own now and then wake up - maybe I was stupid, maybe I was thinking Kayleigh would beat the odds, maybe I wasn't prepared to let her go.
I think I spent the next week in a state of semi-shock - I knew she was gone, I heard myself telling people how she died, the circumstances of what happened. I sounded like a robot on auto-pilot, but I wasn't believing it myself.
It was Kayleigh who had died - it wasn't right. Kayleigh was so strong and resilient. And I thought she was going to be OK.
When we were waiting in the hospital emergency services area in a special room when they were working on her further,and the emergency room manager came and spoke to us - he told us that she had started attempting to breathe on her own and they had to paralyse the area so that the breathing machine would breathe for her - I took this as a positive sign and though she would be OK. I remember now that when we saw her in that room before they moved her up to ICU that no-one in the room spoke to us, they all looked away - it was really quiet, all I can think is they knew that Kayleigh was not going to make it but no-one said anything to us at that stage. I still thought she was going to make it.
When they moved her upstairs to ICU one of the nurses sat down and told us Kayleigh's eyes had been fixed and dilated since she had arrived at hospital and that this was not a good sign as it showed severe brain damage had occurred and we should prepare for the worst and think about organ donation - I looked at her and thought - 'Hey this is Kayleigh!! You don't know her, how dare you tell me this - you're not even a qualified doctor!' I still thought she would be OK.
Over the next 36 hours as Kayleigh laid in the ICU hooked up to machines and drips and all sorts of things, I though she would be OK. Even though her pupils didn't move (although at one stage they looked like they did get smaller) and there was no movement except for the breathing (controlled by the machine) I still thought she would be OK.
After the cardiologist had checked her heart and said there was no structural issues with it, it came down to how long her brain was without blood supply and oxygen. I knew that Terence and I started CPR within 5 minutes of Kayleigh collapsing, so in my mind I thought she had a chance. What I didn't know is that brain damage occurs up to 48 hours after the brain is starved of blood supply/oxygen - with the first 24 hours being the most critical. Although she may have been 'OK' by the time she got to hospital, she was not 'OK' after 24 hours.
The ICU doctor told us to prepare for the worst before the CAT scan was performed. Kayleigh was not responding in any manner. I still thought she might be OK - I think by then I was in denial. Terence and I left the hospital while they performed the CAT scan. We were told of the result when we got back. We were asked about organ donation. I didn't know what to think.
When they turned the machine off and I listened to her heart slowing down, part of me still thought - hey this is Kayleigh she'll start breathing on her own now and then wake up - maybe I was stupid, maybe I was thinking Kayleigh would beat the odds, maybe I wasn't prepared to let her go.
I think I spent the next week in a state of semi-shock - I knew she was gone, I heard myself telling people how she died, the circumstances of what happened. I sounded like a robot on auto-pilot, but I wasn't believing it myself.
It was Kayleigh who had died - it wasn't right. Kayleigh was so strong and resilient. And I thought she was going to be OK.
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