Choices

This is a hard subject to talk about, and may cause some distress - please read with this in mind.
When Kayleigh was in hospital and we were waiting to see if she would make it, one of the things running  through my mind was what would we do if she was brain damaged to the point that she could not participate in life. We never got the chance to have that as Kayleighs life signs were non existent - the brain damage was that severe that she was never going to wake up or breathe by herself - in all sense of the word it was only the machines keeping her alive, so we let her go. But the 'what if's plague your mind. What if Kayleigh had enough life signs so she could wake up and breathe by herself, but had brain damage to a point that she couldn't communicate or do anything for herself. This was close to us as a neighbour a couple of doors down had this happen - their daughter had a massive epleiletic fit which caused massive brain damage when she was 9 - she survived but is unable to do anything for herself and cannot communicate even on a basic level. She lives her life in a wheelchair. Kayleigh remembered her as the girl who used to walk past with her older sister - a quiet girl, and she then saw her as the girl in the wheelchair. When Kayleigh was younger and complaining about something, we reminded her of this girl and how lucky she was. From Kayleigh friends recollections, this stuck and Kayleigh even told them that she was always happy because some people did have what she had - a family that loved her, food, water, air and the ability to run, read, write and know people.

When Kayleigh was lying in the hospital bed, I thought about this girl and if we could manage with Kayleigh in that position. Terence and I have discussed it since. As much as we would have wanted Kayleigh to survive and be with us, the thought of her in a wheelchair unable to move, eat or communicate - we couldn't have done that to her. The life span of someone with such severe disabilities is only about 5-7 years-  - and that would be years that she would be living a life, not for her, but for us because we couldn't let her go. Kayleigh was such a happy, vibrant and alive person and to have her with us, but only as a shell of herself would be the ultimate act of selfishness. In some ways I am thankful that we were never given the choice - letting someone go is very very hard, but having to choose to let them go would be harder.