I thought she would be OK. . . .

I guess in a lot of ways I am the eternal optimist - even when Kayleigh was not breathing and had no heart beat, and we were doing CPR, I thought she was going to be OK. Terence I think had already grasped that Kayleigh was not OK - he said 'we've lost her Jude, we've lost her'. And I kept on going that she was going to OK, we just had to keep going. When the ambulance arrived (finally) and worked on her and finally got signs of life, I felt relieved - I thought then she was going to be OK - I later remembered the the ambulance guy said we have some signs - they never said they got her.

When we were waiting in the hospital emergency services area in a special room when they were working on her further,and the emergency room manager came and spoke to us - he told us that she had started attempting to breathe on her own and they had to paralyse the area so that the breathing machine would breathe for her - I took this as a positive sign and though she would be OK. I remember now that when we saw her in that room before they moved her up to ICU that no-one in the room spoke to us, they all looked away - it was really quiet, all I can think is they knew that Kayleigh was not going to make it but no-one said anything to us at that stage. I still thought she was going to make it.

When they moved her upstairs to ICU one of the nurses sat down and told us Kayleigh's eyes had been fixed and dilated since she had arrived at hospital and that this was not a good sign as it showed severe brain damage had occurred and we should prepare for the worst and think about organ donation - I looked at her and thought - 'Hey this is Kayleigh!! You don't know her, how dare you tell me this - you're not even a qualified doctor!' I still thought she would be OK.

Over the next 36 hours as Kayleigh laid in the ICU hooked up to machines and drips and all sorts of things, I though she would be OK. Even though her pupils didn't move (although at one stage they looked like they did get smaller) and there was no movement except for the breathing (controlled by the machine) I still thought she would be OK.

After the cardiologist had checked her heart and said there was no structural issues with it, it came down to how long her brain was without blood supply and oxygen. I knew that Terence and I started CPR within 5 minutes of Kayleigh collapsing, so in my mind I thought she had a chance. What I didn't know is that brain damage occurs up to 48 hours after the brain is starved of blood supply/oxygen - with the first 24 hours being the most critical. Although she may have been 'OK' by the time she got to hospital, she was not 'OK' after 24 hours.

The ICU doctor told us to prepare for the worst before the CAT scan was performed. Kayleigh was not responding in any manner. I still thought she might be OK - I think by then I was in denial. Terence and I left the hospital while they performed the CAT scan. We were told of the result when we got back. We were asked about organ donation. I didn't know what to think.

When they turned the machine off and I listened to her heart slowing down, part of me still thought - hey this is Kayleigh she'll start breathing on her own now and then wake up - maybe I was stupid, maybe I was thinking Kayleigh would beat the odds, maybe I wasn't prepared to let her go.

I think I spent the next week in a state of semi-shock - I knew she was gone, I heard myself telling people how she died, the circumstances of what happened. I sounded like a robot on auto-pilot, but I wasn't believing it myself.

It was Kayleigh who had died - it wasn't right. Kayleigh was so strong and resilient. And I thought she was going to be OK.