A letter to Kayleigh

Dear Kayleigh,

It's been over a year since I last talked to you and last gave you a hug and so much has happened. Every day I think about you and what you might be doing and what you might think about. i found out last week that I'm going to have a little brother or sister for you, and although the news is happy I was sad because I know that you will have a sibling that will never know you, only hear about you and see you in movies we have taken. I know you would have been so happy because you ask me for another sister less than a week before you left. You were so excited and were talking about names and gender and what you thought was a good name. I would like to tell you that if we do have a little sister for you that the name we chose was the one you liked - Kymberly.

Every time I watch a movie I wonder if you would have liked it. Kiara's favourite movie Tangled - I know you would have loved. Some of the other movies we have watched which are not childrens movies I wonder what you would have thought. I know you used to sneak out and watch movies from the dining room where your dad couldn't see you. I knew you were there but didn't rat you out and I know there were some movies that you probably shouldn't have seen. I saw 'The Warrior's Way' the other day - a bit of a japanese mix with western movie - a little odd - and the first thing I thought of was whether you would have thought the same thing. Your Dad enjoyed it.

Every time I see an ambulance I get angry. I know it is not their fault that you are not here - but they took so long in getting to our house. I know they tried their hardest to get you back and at the hospital that night a saw several of them in tears. I just feel so much pain at the sight of an ambulance. I also feel a sense of loss every time I go past the hospital. I can see the window of the room you were in in the ICU wing. I always glance at it even though I don't want to, and remember you there and remember waiting for you to wake up and give me a smile and me to say ' Kayleigh, geez you gave us a fright!' but it never happened, I never got to speak with you again. Every day I struggle not to blame myself for what happened, for not knowing that you were in trouble, that you needed help, not calling an ambulance sooner. You were always so strong, maybe you felt OK, I don't know. I heard you arguing with Natassja and your voice was strong and you sounded so pissed off with her. I assumed that you were OK. I regret making that assumption every day because I thought you sounded normal. 10 minutes later you were gone.

I also wanted to tell you how proud I was of you. Through all the crap you went through and struggles that you had, you were always cheerful and happy. You always wanted to do your best, even if you didn't understand it. You always tried your hardest and you were always kind and considerate to every one around you. You forgave so many people for doing the wrong thing to you proving that you were the better person. You had a big heart and I could have seen you in a great job one day doing what you loved, surrounded by good friends and a nice guy. You would have made a great mum - better then me - because you were so tolerant with younger kids and especially Lucas and Kiara. They miss you so much.

I am missing you everyday, Love always Mum xxxooo