Too skinny?

Kayleigh was always slender - well maybe not as a baby - but as she got older and get taller, her weight didn't seem to keep up. I know it was genetics as Terence and Kayleigh's nanny are both very slender and Kayleigh took after her dad more than me. At the time of her passing, Kayleigh only weighed 37kgs, which put on right on the edge of 'underweight' for her size.

I know I always kept on at her to eat more. I used Wii Fit to keep an eye on her, and I told her if she fell into the underweight category for too long I would take her to the doctor. Kayleigh wanted to eat healthy as well which probably compounded the problem - trying to ensure she ate her lunch at school was difficult under Mr Haidon spoke to her and found out that she didn't want to eat jam sandwiched as jam has lots of sugar in it. So it was salad sandwiches from then on.

Because of her weight, Kayleigh did get sick quite often, and it took her longer to get over it than her sister. She just didn't have the energy to fight off the viruses as fast. She had lots of days off school, which I didn't like. She had the taken the Tuesday off sick with the flu and we made her go to school on the last day she was properly 'alive' because she was missing too much school. I sometimes wonder if I should have forced her to eat more, to have more 'fat' on her, that maybe that might have helped her fight off the flu that eventually compounded into her being too sick and her heart failing. Maybe we should have kept her at home that day, and she would still be here - I don't know.

This photo was taken in May, at an angle that I used to show Kayleigh how skinny she actually was - it was genetically skinny though, she certainly didn't starve herself. and this pic certainly shows her in the worst angle possible.

Helping with building the wall

Terence has been gardening lately, digging up the backyard and re-sowing the lawn. Around the end part of garden there is a wood sleeper retaining wall which I was standing on when I remembered Kayleigh helping build it.

Originally the wood was part of a cubby house/fort that Terence was building for the kids, but we had to take it down. The wood that we were using become the retaining wall. Kayleigh helped her dad with moving all the wood into position. I remember her excitement in drilling guiding holes for the coaching bolts and then bashing them in. I remember her smile as it came together and helping her dad push all the soil behind them before helping her dad lay the Canturf that made the lawn and plant the Japanese Maples that went around the edge. 

When Terence was re-doing the backyard, you could see that he was remembering those times by his body language - it's hard sometimes doing some thing because we miss her so much.

Mother's day

As I am celebrating Mother's day for the second time without Kayleigh, but for the first time with her new brother Kayl, it is hard not to feel slightly guilty for the sense of contentment I have at the moment. Although I miss Kayleigh alot, having Kayl has somewhat filled the hole left in my soul that losing Kayleigh created. Little Kayl cna never replace Kayleigh (of course) but it has started a new chapter in my life. The last almost two years I have felt a little lost and Kayl is making look forward to the future again. I still cry on occasion, missing my special girl, and there are moments in the days where I still feel her passing as if it was yesterday.

Mother's day - Kayleigh was my first baby, and so my first mother's day was because of her. She was only 5 months old at the time and I was given . . . . .  .a food processor!!!!!! I actually wanted that machine, it was a Kenwood and it lasted me years and years. at the time is was a practical present as Kayleigh had just started on solids so I used to it make all of her baby food, from apples and pears to mulching up whatever Terence and I had for dinner (how many pork chops and veges were ground up in that thing I'll never know). As Kayleigh grew up, she wanted to make Mother's Day special. She always made a card and presented it to me with a cup of tea first thing in the morning, along with a huge hug and snuggle on the bed.

The very last mother's day I had with her we spent 2 hours at the Coffee Club in Tuggeranong just waiting for some pancakes (which were cold by the time we got them). Kayleigh spent alot of that time attempting to get the other kids to behave - they were getting restless, and playing on the car ride on thing that they had there. She was wearing her 'Stig' shirt and she was talking about her friends and the work she was doing in her wood work and sewing class. It's days like these that I miss her more than usual as it reminds me of the things she did to try and get a smile from me and make me happy.

Mother's Day 2010

Our mini vacuum cleaner

Kayleigh started crawling when she was about 7 months old. At this stage we were renting a house in Banks. Kayleigh had a habit of waking up quite early in the morning- around 6am and we all had to be up with her. It was this time that we did the majority of the cleaning/vacuuming/mopping of the floors. You may wonder why we didn't do it the night before - we did, but because of Kayleigh we always did it again the next morning.

Why???? because I would get up, change Kayleigh and feed her for the morning while her daddy had a shower, then put her on the floor where she would immediately crawl around. Now this child must have had eagle eyes, because every small tiny little piece of dirt or something, Kayleigh would find, pick up and put it straight into her mouth. Now to prevent her doing that, Terence and I would be crawling behind her, grabbing anything she picked up before it made it into her mouth, and quickly vacuuming the area she was in just in case there was more. Now image, two grown adults crawling around on their hands and knees, chasing a very fast little 7 month old who is determined to put anything and everything in her mouth.

Kayleigh was great as a vacuum, she managed to get under the heater, under the lounge suit and even in the window sills. We must have had the cleanest carpet and windows in Canberra, all because of our mini vacuum cleaner.

Baby Kayleigh

I have to apologise for not writing anything for a while - but I have an excuse, Kayleigh just had a new baby brother - it was an exciting day, but also a sad day as little Kayl will never know his big sister. This has had me reflecting on what sort of baby Kayleigh was.

Kayleigh, on the whole, was quite a good baby, she suffered a little from colic, but nothing that kept us awake at night. as my first baby, and since I was only 19 at the time, were were pretty relaxed on the whole baby thing, and this made for a relaxed baby. Kayleigh had a room to herself (for the only time in her whole life). She started sleeping through the night at 12 weeks old on the dot. She had a big brown Kmart xmas teddy that played christmas carols and I used to sing her to sleep in her cot with them playing.

When she had her 6 month immunisation, they still did the polio immunisation as three drops in the mouth. I'm told they tasted horrible, which is probably why Kayleigh screwed up her face and spit it straight into the nurses eyes and mouth - quite funny at the time, but it meant she had to have more.

I can't help but compare Kayleigh to Kayl - I think we all compare our children in some way, but since Kayleigh is no longer here, it seems we may be doing it a little more than we previously did, just because we miss her so much. Having Kayl has brought a lot of memories to the surface.

Wandering off at 2 and a half

This story Terence never knew, I didn't tell him when it happened, but I gues once he reads this he will know.

WE had just moved in to our current house, which means that Kayleigh was around 2 1/2 years old. I had woken up one morning and found we didn't have enough milk for breakfast. Terence and Natassja were still asleep, but Kayleigh was already up. It must have been Autumn because Kayleigh was only wearing her nappy and a pair of socks. I told Kayleigh to stay inside, play with her toys (or something) or go snuggle in with her Dad while I went to the local shops to get some milk for breakfast. Kayleigh seemed to understand and toddled off to the bedroom. I went down to the shop, grabbed the milk and went home. I put Kayleigh's breakfast together and went to get her. It was then that I realised that she wasn't in the house, so I went outside in the backyard and looked around (the backyard was a jungle of weeds and concrete at that stage) and realised that the back gate was slightly opened. I freaked, ran out the front and then a young boy (around 9 or 10) walked down the driveway with Kayleigh in tow. He told me she was down at the shops walking up and down the aisle looking for 'Mummy'. The shop owner (such a responsible adult!!) told the boy where we lived and to take her home. I thanked the boy and took Kayleigh inside, freaking out still.

I didn't pass Kayleigh on the way back from the shops (it's only two doors down), so she must not have realised I had come home and gone out the back gate after I was inside. I told Kayleigh never ever go out the front without mummy or Daddy. I still remember the panic I felt when I couldn't find her.

10 things you might not have known

I was thinking about some things Kayleigh did that wouldn't make a whole post by themselves:

1. Kayleigh used to wake me up by shaking my hand. She didn't want to wake her dad so she would sneak into the room, kneel down on the floor and start shaking my hand until I woke up. I didn't realise until after she was gone that she was the only one who did it.

2. Kayleigh once gave herself a bald spot on the crown of her head. She said her head was really itchy and she scratched it until I noticed she had a bald spot bigger than a 50c piece. She wore her hair in a pony tail for 3 months straight after that.

3. Kayleigh went through 6 school bags in year 7 because she used to take EVERYTHING to school.

4. Kayleigh always insisted that we got strawberry plants for our vege patch each year, although I don't think we ever got any strawberries.

5. Kayleigh always wanted to help her dad out, no matter how messy or dirty the job was. Digging in the garden, playing with the cars, moving turf or building things, Kayleigh was always there to help.

6. Kayleigh never slept much. She was always the last to bed and the first awake. She always got up in the middle of the night, and sometimes even stayed up and didn't go back to bed.

7. Her favourite saying before she passed away (at least at home) was' Stop back chatting'.

8. Her sneakers, which she was cremated in, she called her bubblegum shoes - they were ASIACS that had blue and green stripes on them.

9. IF there was a perfect tomato in the vege patch, Kayleigh would eat it before anyone else saw it.

10. Kayleigh was scared of spiders, until she figured out that the vacuum cleaner was the best way to get rid of them. After that, she was never scared of spiders in the house.

Bushwalking around Theodore

At one stage, Terence was walking up and down and around the hills around Theodore, and several times Kayleigh went with him. The most memorable (at least for Terence) was attempting to walk to Mt Rob Roy from our house (it's one  of the big ones behind Banks). Terence unfortunately wasn't feeling the best, so really should have not gone. They set off, Kayleigh all excited as it was one of the first times she went with her Dad. They made it from our house, and probably 1/2 way up My Rob Roy, when I got a phone call. Terence was rather ill, and there was no way to get to them. Kayleigh pushed her dad to keep going, telling him it was OK and that he only had to go a little bit longer and they'd be back to civilisation. She kept him going for the 30 minutes it took to walk back. Terence said he was so relieved to see the power lines near the back of Theodore but was so proud of Kayleigh for keeping his spirits going.

Another time, we went up the hills directly behind Theodore. Terence, being Terence, decided we were all going up the steep side, not around the back were the hill wasn't so steep. This was a test for Terence's anxiety and at some stages Kayleigh practically dragged him up the hill, when she wasn't helping Kiara up. about half way up, Terence turned around and said that his anxiety was getting too much and Kayleigh told him that the top was only up there and he could do it. Then right up at the top (like a metre from it) Terence did the same. Kayleigh laughed her head off. 'Dad, you ARE at the top.' she said. She though it was really funny. We probably didn't climb the hills as much as she wanted. She loved the views from the top of the hills, you can see a long way.

Family pic at the top of the hills behind Theodore

Losing Daddys wedding ring

Terence stopped wearing his wedding ring as his knuckles in his hands became swollen after eczema. In year 5, Kayleigh took to wearing the ring on her thumb. She thought that is was pretty good wearing her dads ring. She did try to wear my ring, but since it had diamonds in it, it was a no go - she did however tell Natassja that when I passed away, my ring was hers!.

Anyhow, one day her friend Alexandra was playing with her own ring, and for some reason threw it. They searched around for it and couldn't find it. Kayleigh then thought she would 'help' by standing in the same spot and throwing her dad's ring to see if they could find the other ring. They managed to loose both.

Needless to say, Terence was not happy. They went down the to school together and had a good hunt, but Terence's wedding ring was never found. Alexandra got her ring back when someone handed it in the next day. Kayleigh was upset about losing her dad's ring and she promised to buy him a new one when she was old enough to get a job.

Coping with grief

Everybody copes differently with major changes in their lives. The lose of Kayleigh affected everyone that knew her, and in someway changed people.

For Terence, myself and our other children, we all coped in different way, coming to realisation that Kayleigh was no longer going to be in our lives, but only in our memories. For me, I spent the first week probably in a state of shock, I really didn't cry until after the funeral. I had so much to do in that first week, arranging the funeral, deciding on flower colour (thank you Virginia for doing the flower arrangement), talking with the funeral directors, the endless stream of visitors that I had to explain again and again what had happened, yet still having to function. After the funeral, I completely lost it and cried for at least a day. After a week, Terence looked at me and told me that I better not be getting depressed (I have had issues with post-natal depression previously) because Kayleigh had always hated it when I was sad. I realise then that when you lose someone really close to you there are two choices : (1) wallow in your grief and give up, or (2) choose life, remember the person but learn to enjoy life again,even without them. I made the conscious decision to choose life, as that is what Kayleigh would have done, and Kayleigh would have wanted for me. In the time between then and now I have had many moments that I have felt such despair and loss that I wonder what the hell I am still doing here. Not a good thought. After a particularly bad day at work I exceeded the speed limit down Monaro Highway thinking that a convenient tree would do fine. The thought of my other kids stopped me from doing anything stupid

Terence felt his grief straight away. We even had to call an ambulance for him because he felt he couldn't breathe, his whole body had clamped up and he just couldn't cope. Terence dealt with his grief early on by crying in the shower, purging himself of the emotions before starting the new day.

Natassja never cried, or if she did, she did it in private. This is a common response from teenagers. I think Natassja was trying to be the strong one for all of us. Her older sister was gone, leaving her as the oldest child Her Mum and Dad were falling apart around her and her younger siblings weren't doing so well. It also didn't help her that she was the last one to talk to Kayleigh, that she was the one that noticed Kayleigh wasn't breathing anymore and she was the one that attempted CPR when she called out to us. She tried to save her sister and failed. Over the long term, Natassja has probably become more self reflective. She spends a lot of time with books and her drawings. She has drawn many pictures of Kayleigh and wrote things in her school books. But she doesn't talk about Kayleigh unless I ask her. She has never spoken about Kayleigh with her dad, but I do know she has spoken about her with her friends.

Little Terry cried on and off for about a month. Kids are resilient and terry was the one that seemed to vocalise his grief the most - maybe it's an age and maturity thing - he was 9 at the time, Lucas was 6 and Kiara was only 4. He was the one that seemed to cope the best. He likes to talk about the fun things that Kayleigh and he did and the ways that Kayleigh annoyed him. Lucas on the other hand has become more difficult. He was always a little stubborn and gets frustrated easily at things when they go wrong or he can't do what he wanted to do. His way of coping was lashing out and getting moody and withdrawn. Even now he can be difficult to get him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

Kiara is the one that still is sad - you can still see it in her face. She was only 4 1/2 when Kayleigh passed away,  but she was really close to Kayleigh. Kayleigh did everything for her little sister, got her a drink, made her lunch, read her books, sung her to sleep, played ponies with her. Every couple of weeks Kiara will sit there, on her bed or on the lounge, her eyes far away and such sadness in her face. She turns around to you and says  'I miss Kayleigh' and you know there is nothing you can do to cheer her up. Eventually she does something else and the sadness passes but it is heartbreaking to see such a little girl trying to deal with her sadness.

Slamming on her guitar

When Kayleigh was in Year 6, the music teacher entered all the year 5 and 6 students in a competition - they had to write why music was important to them and school. Kayleigh wrote that 'Music helps me relax and concentrate in the classroom. Music helps me learn.' The entries were sent away and a couple fo months later the school rang me to tell us that Kayleigh had won -- a guitar. They were going to pick them up the next day.

We didn't tell Kayleigh that night as it was a surprise, so when they turned up at the music shop, they were all in for a big surprise (5 children had won, Kayleigh was the only one in Year 6). Each student was given an acoustic guitar, which made Kayleigh very excited, but we couldn't help noticing that she kept looking at the electric guitars in the shops. That night we asked Kayleigh how she felt. She said she was sooooo happy that she'd won, all the other kids in her class were jealous. I then asked her if she really had wanted an electric guitar. She ummmed and arrrr'ed and then said yes - I think she was trying not to be ungrateful for the prize she'd won.

The next day we took Kayleigh back tot he music shop, the guy recognised us from the previous day. We explained that Kayleigh wanted an electric guitar if he could help. The guy was really helpful, he accepted the return for full retail price and then Kayleigh chose her guitar - -she wandered around a bit but kept coming back to the Washborn 'Anarchy' and in the end thats the one she chose.

Kayleigh played with her guitar almost every day, but never really got the hang of it. We bought her an Avril Lavinge song book to try and learn and she was OK at one of the songs, but her favourite song to play was of course 'My heart will go on' by Celine Dion. Over and over and over again.



Kayleigh's Guitar