Kayleigh was our oldest child and as the oldest it meant that some things she did she had never seen happen to anyone else in the family before. A classic example was when she got her first loose tooth.
Now we had always stressed the importance of cleaning her teeth so imagine her complete shock when one day, in kindergarten, one of her bottom teeth had become wobbly. Kayleigh asked her dad and I what was happening - she looked really really worried. We told her that her teeth were going to come out and she would grow new ones. Kayleigh looked at us horrified - and then started crying. I had to give her hugs until she calmed down enough to tell us what was wrong. Kayleigh told us she didn't want her teeth to fall out, it actually scared her and she thought ALL of her teeth were going to fall out all at once. Maybe we explained it badly? I had to talk slowly through it and that only the woobly tooth would come out and then a new tooth would replace it. She was still a little apprehensive until the tooth fairy gave her $2 for it, then she couldn't wait to lose the next one :-)
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
On your birthday
On this day, 15 years ago, I was in labour, and finally saw you for the first time at 23:23 (11:23 pm). The first thing you did was sneeze. Today, looking back on your life I remember the little thing we did together and the little thing you did by yourself that made you the person that you were.
I remember laying down next to you when you were little and over tired, hugging you and singing to you until you finally stop struggling and eventually went to sleep.
I remember sitting with you reading a book and you being more interested in what your dad was doing than the pictures on the page.
I remember you playing with your dad's tools and playing golf in the backyard.
I remember you grinning at me when you had done the wrong thing.
I remember you trying to tell a lie, me looking straight at you and you breaking out laughing and admitting the truth.
I remember talking to you every night as you went to bed about the people you spoke to at school and what your friends talked about.
I remember fighting with you and you trying to see if you were physically stronger than me (you never were) , and trying to find the boundaries and I remember holding you down on your bed, hugging you until you calmed down.
Most of all I remember you smiles, your laugh and the love you gave. I remember the hugs you gave me every afternoon when I got home from work. And I remember you saying 'I Love you' and I listen to you say it each week on the message you left on my phone.
I remember laying down next to you when you were little and over tired, hugging you and singing to you until you finally stop struggling and eventually went to sleep.
I remember sitting with you reading a book and you being more interested in what your dad was doing than the pictures on the page.
I remember you playing with your dad's tools and playing golf in the backyard.
I remember you grinning at me when you had done the wrong thing.
I remember you trying to tell a lie, me looking straight at you and you breaking out laughing and admitting the truth.
I remember talking to you every night as you went to bed about the people you spoke to at school and what your friends talked about.
I remember fighting with you and you trying to see if you were physically stronger than me (you never were) , and trying to find the boundaries and I remember holding you down on your bed, hugging you until you calmed down.
Most of all I remember you smiles, your laugh and the love you gave. I remember the hugs you gave me every afternoon when I got home from work. And I remember you saying 'I Love you' and I listen to you say it each week on the message you left on my phone.
Monday, December 5, 2011
The turnip play
In either Kindergarten or year one, Kayleigh had the lead role in a play at the year assembly. She was the only one that had to speak and she was chosen because she had a nice loud voice that would carry through the hall. The play was based on the story of the farmer who wanted to pull out a turnip from the ground, and it was too hard so got help (by his wife, the horse, the cat, the dog etc). Each time a new 'helper' was added Kayleigh had to yell '1,2,3'. The funny thing was that the (rather large cardboard) turnip - which was velcro'ed onto the back of a table on a sheet - kept falling off, so Kayleigh basically had to hold it steady and pretend that it wasn't about the hit the floor. Then when it was supposed to be 'pulled' out of the ground, the turnip finally stuck and Kayleigh pulled it up sheet and all. She then had to wrestled with the sheet to get the turnip off. It was all rather funny. Kayleigh took it all in her stride (some young kids would have been devastated) and laughed as well. I was proud of her.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Fundraising Chocolates - please never again
Kayleigh had lots of times where she had to sell fundraising chocolates for school, In preschool we sold 3 boxes of freddo frogs to people at my work -it seemed to go OK and I didn't mind.
However - - - in year 2, Kayleigh and Natassja were given a mixed box of malteasers, starburst sankes etc to sell at $4 a box - a total of 20 boxes in all (or $80 worth). Somehow they brought them home without Terence noticing them, and Kayleigh did not tell me that they had them to sell. I didn't find out until a week later when I was cleaning their room and found 20 EMPTY boxes of malteasers/starburst under the bed, at the back of the cupboard and in their clothes. Kayleigh and Natassja managed to eat ALL the boxes. I was horrified because now we were in debt to the school for $80 with nothing to show for it.
The school was really good about it - the poor front counter staff member was in tears of laughter when we told her, and they allowed us to pay them off. I must say, from that point on it was 'Fundraising chocolates - not thinks. Please, never again!!!!'
However - - - in year 2, Kayleigh and Natassja were given a mixed box of malteasers, starburst sankes etc to sell at $4 a box - a total of 20 boxes in all (or $80 worth). Somehow they brought them home without Terence noticing them, and Kayleigh did not tell me that they had them to sell. I didn't find out until a week later when I was cleaning their room and found 20 EMPTY boxes of malteasers/starburst under the bed, at the back of the cupboard and in their clothes. Kayleigh and Natassja managed to eat ALL the boxes. I was horrified because now we were in debt to the school for $80 with nothing to show for it.
The school was really good about it - the poor front counter staff member was in tears of laughter when we told her, and they allowed us to pay them off. I must say, from that point on it was 'Fundraising chocolates - not thinks. Please, never again!!!!'
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Things to be grateful for
Although Kayleigh has passed away, I can't help feeling a little grateful about things, even though I want her back more than anything in the world.
1. I know that she is no longer here
I am grateful that I know what happened - think about the high profile stories like Daniel Morcombe and the hundreds of families each year that have children and teenagers go missing. They don't know if their kids are alive or dead. They don't know what was happened to them. I can grieve over my lost girl, they can't. They have a sense of loss, but not knowing what has happened means they can't grieve properly or really move on - they have a hole in their lives that had huge question marks around it.
2. She wasn't in pain when she passed.
By all accounts, because Kayleigh heart failed, she would have been completely unaware that she was dying. and if she was it would have been less than 10 seconds of possible awareness - to her it was probably like going to sleep. For all the kids that have died in horrible car accidents, house fires, beaten up by others - they would have been scared, frightened and in pain - maybe for hours before they died. I am grateful in a way that Kayleigh did not suffer before she died.
3. We got to say goodbye
Those 36 hours that Kayleigh was on life support was hard, but it give give us, the other kids and the family a chance to say good bye, to be there when she breathed her last breath and to listen to her fading heart beat. So many people do not get that chance, they go to bed at night and find their beloved child gone in the morning.
4. We got to know her
So many people that I know have lost children as an infant - some a couple of days after birth, some a little later. We had Kayleigh for 13 1/2 years and am I grateful that we knew her that long. Yes I would have preferred that I was old and grey before she died, but we saw her grow and got to know her personality and watch her as she struggled to make friends and be happy with herself. So many people don't even get this opportunity.
5. She was happy
Kayleigh did not want to die. She had finally got to a place in her life where she was happy at home and at school. She had friends that cared, she felt like things were finally on track for her. There are many suicides each year by teenagers that are depressed and not coping. Suicide is a tragic horrible loss for everyone. Kayleigh had been depressed in year 6, she struggled daily to be happy, but she found what she was missing when she went to high school. I am grateful that Kayleigh wanted to live, wanted to experience life - she didn't want to die.
1. I know that she is no longer here
I am grateful that I know what happened - think about the high profile stories like Daniel Morcombe and the hundreds of families each year that have children and teenagers go missing. They don't know if their kids are alive or dead. They don't know what was happened to them. I can grieve over my lost girl, they can't. They have a sense of loss, but not knowing what has happened means they can't grieve properly or really move on - they have a hole in their lives that had huge question marks around it.
2. She wasn't in pain when she passed.
By all accounts, because Kayleigh heart failed, she would have been completely unaware that she was dying. and if she was it would have been less than 10 seconds of possible awareness - to her it was probably like going to sleep. For all the kids that have died in horrible car accidents, house fires, beaten up by others - they would have been scared, frightened and in pain - maybe for hours before they died. I am grateful in a way that Kayleigh did not suffer before she died.
3. We got to say goodbye
Those 36 hours that Kayleigh was on life support was hard, but it give give us, the other kids and the family a chance to say good bye, to be there when she breathed her last breath and to listen to her fading heart beat. So many people do not get that chance, they go to bed at night and find their beloved child gone in the morning.
4. We got to know her
So many people that I know have lost children as an infant - some a couple of days after birth, some a little later. We had Kayleigh for 13 1/2 years and am I grateful that we knew her that long. Yes I would have preferred that I was old and grey before she died, but we saw her grow and got to know her personality and watch her as she struggled to make friends and be happy with herself. So many people don't even get this opportunity.
5. She was happy
Kayleigh did not want to die. She had finally got to a place in her life where she was happy at home and at school. She had friends that cared, she felt like things were finally on track for her. There are many suicides each year by teenagers that are depressed and not coping. Suicide is a tragic horrible loss for everyone. Kayleigh had been depressed in year 6, she struggled daily to be happy, but she found what she was missing when she went to high school. I am grateful that Kayleigh wanted to live, wanted to experience life - she didn't want to die.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
What frustrated me the most after Kayleigh passed away
When Kayleigh passed away, the first week was very difficult - won't go into it now. After that I started getting very frustrated and in fact angry at one group of people - the religious pushy people. Now don't get me wrong, I respect people with religious beliefs and have many friends that attend church regularly and none of them were an issue. They all know that I am not religious in any way (I would class myself as atheist / agnostic) but there were people on the fringes, and even people that we didn't know who would push their religion on us, at a time where it was not wanted or liked.
The first came a couple of days after Kayleigh died - before the funeral. I don't know who sent it, but I got a whole wad of pamphlets and information about God and the afterlife and how children are chosen to be angels in heaven. I took one look at it and saw red. I think that wad of paper was put in the fire that night. I was so angry that people would use my grief to push their ''message''. The weeks after saw a parade of people, some that we sort of knew through our children and some that we did not know at all, approach us. Most gave their condolences, which was appreciated, but there were the few that couldn't help themselves. We were barraged with many versions of the following:
A word of advice, if someone you know experiences a tragedy like this, and you don't know if they are religious, or what religion they may follow - don't mention your religion, because you are not helping. Not at all.
The first came a couple of days after Kayleigh died - before the funeral. I don't know who sent it, but I got a whole wad of pamphlets and information about God and the afterlife and how children are chosen to be angels in heaven. I took one look at it and saw red. I think that wad of paper was put in the fire that night. I was so angry that people would use my grief to push their ''message''. The weeks after saw a parade of people, some that we sort of knew through our children and some that we did not know at all, approach us. Most gave their condolences, which was appreciated, but there were the few that couldn't help themselves. We were barraged with many versions of the following:
- 'She's with her god now, she's in a better place'.
- 'God needed another angel and she was chosen'
- 'I've spoken to my priest and he would love to meet with you and discuss gods way'
- 'Although you are sad, she is with god now and she's happy, so you should be happy too'
A word of advice, if someone you know experiences a tragedy like this, and you don't know if they are religious, or what religion they may follow - don't mention your religion, because you are not helping. Not at all.
Monday, November 7, 2011
I thought she would be OK. . . .
I guess in a lot of ways I am the eternal optimist - even when Kayleigh was not breathing and had no heart beat, and we were doing CPR, I thought she was going to be OK. Terence I think had already grasped that Kayleigh was not OK - he said 'we've lost her Jude, we've lost her'. And I kept on going that she was going to OK, we just had to keep going. When the ambulance arrived (finally) and worked on her and finally got signs of life, I felt relieved - I thought then she was going to be OK - I later remembered the the ambulance guy said we have some signs - they never said they got her.
When we were waiting in the hospital emergency services area in a special room when they were working on her further,and the emergency room manager came and spoke to us - he told us that she had started attempting to breathe on her own and they had to paralyse the area so that the breathing machine would breathe for her - I took this as a positive sign and though she would be OK. I remember now that when we saw her in that room before they moved her up to ICU that no-one in the room spoke to us, they all looked away - it was really quiet, all I can think is they knew that Kayleigh was not going to make it but no-one said anything to us at that stage. I still thought she was going to make it.
When they moved her upstairs to ICU one of the nurses sat down and told us Kayleigh's eyes had been fixed and dilated since she had arrived at hospital and that this was not a good sign as it showed severe brain damage had occurred and we should prepare for the worst and think about organ donation - I looked at her and thought - 'Hey this is Kayleigh!! You don't know her, how dare you tell me this - you're not even a qualified doctor!' I still thought she would be OK.
Over the next 36 hours as Kayleigh laid in the ICU hooked up to machines and drips and all sorts of things, I though she would be OK. Even though her pupils didn't move (although at one stage they looked like they did get smaller) and there was no movement except for the breathing (controlled by the machine) I still thought she would be OK.
After the cardiologist had checked her heart and said there was no structural issues with it, it came down to how long her brain was without blood supply and oxygen. I knew that Terence and I started CPR within 5 minutes of Kayleigh collapsing, so in my mind I thought she had a chance. What I didn't know is that brain damage occurs up to 48 hours after the brain is starved of blood supply/oxygen - with the first 24 hours being the most critical. Although she may have been 'OK' by the time she got to hospital, she was not 'OK' after 24 hours.
The ICU doctor told us to prepare for the worst before the CAT scan was performed. Kayleigh was not responding in any manner. I still thought she might be OK - I think by then I was in denial. Terence and I left the hospital while they performed the CAT scan. We were told of the result when we got back. We were asked about organ donation. I didn't know what to think.
When they turned the machine off and I listened to her heart slowing down, part of me still thought - hey this is Kayleigh she'll start breathing on her own now and then wake up - maybe I was stupid, maybe I was thinking Kayleigh would beat the odds, maybe I wasn't prepared to let her go.
I think I spent the next week in a state of semi-shock - I knew she was gone, I heard myself telling people how she died, the circumstances of what happened. I sounded like a robot on auto-pilot, but I wasn't believing it myself.
It was Kayleigh who had died - it wasn't right. Kayleigh was so strong and resilient. And I thought she was going to be OK.
When we were waiting in the hospital emergency services area in a special room when they were working on her further,and the emergency room manager came and spoke to us - he told us that she had started attempting to breathe on her own and they had to paralyse the area so that the breathing machine would breathe for her - I took this as a positive sign and though she would be OK. I remember now that when we saw her in that room before they moved her up to ICU that no-one in the room spoke to us, they all looked away - it was really quiet, all I can think is they knew that Kayleigh was not going to make it but no-one said anything to us at that stage. I still thought she was going to make it.
When they moved her upstairs to ICU one of the nurses sat down and told us Kayleigh's eyes had been fixed and dilated since she had arrived at hospital and that this was not a good sign as it showed severe brain damage had occurred and we should prepare for the worst and think about organ donation - I looked at her and thought - 'Hey this is Kayleigh!! You don't know her, how dare you tell me this - you're not even a qualified doctor!' I still thought she would be OK.
Over the next 36 hours as Kayleigh laid in the ICU hooked up to machines and drips and all sorts of things, I though she would be OK. Even though her pupils didn't move (although at one stage they looked like they did get smaller) and there was no movement except for the breathing (controlled by the machine) I still thought she would be OK.
After the cardiologist had checked her heart and said there was no structural issues with it, it came down to how long her brain was without blood supply and oxygen. I knew that Terence and I started CPR within 5 minutes of Kayleigh collapsing, so in my mind I thought she had a chance. What I didn't know is that brain damage occurs up to 48 hours after the brain is starved of blood supply/oxygen - with the first 24 hours being the most critical. Although she may have been 'OK' by the time she got to hospital, she was not 'OK' after 24 hours.
The ICU doctor told us to prepare for the worst before the CAT scan was performed. Kayleigh was not responding in any manner. I still thought she might be OK - I think by then I was in denial. Terence and I left the hospital while they performed the CAT scan. We were told of the result when we got back. We were asked about organ donation. I didn't know what to think.
When they turned the machine off and I listened to her heart slowing down, part of me still thought - hey this is Kayleigh she'll start breathing on her own now and then wake up - maybe I was stupid, maybe I was thinking Kayleigh would beat the odds, maybe I wasn't prepared to let her go.
I think I spent the next week in a state of semi-shock - I knew she was gone, I heard myself telling people how she died, the circumstances of what happened. I sounded like a robot on auto-pilot, but I wasn't believing it myself.
It was Kayleigh who had died - it wasn't right. Kayleigh was so strong and resilient. And I thought she was going to be OK.
Learning to talk
I think all parents remember the ways the their kids learn to talk and the funny mispronunciations and ridiculous things that kids call thing - Lucas used to call Lilies 'willy flowers' which cracked Kayleigh up so much that she had him repeating it again and again.
Kayleigh had two things which we remember clearly from when she learnt to talk. Her first word was, of course 'Daddy' followed by 'Mum'. It was the accent that she used on Daddy that was most noticeable, even to strangers. Kayleigh said 'Daddy' with an English accent (Terence is from England) so it came out more like 'Da-deeeeee' Which was very cute and I think Terence really like it like that. Over time, and with interaction with other people and more vocabulary, Kayleigh lost the accent on 'Daddy'.
The other word that we remember is the word 'bottle'. Kayleigh used a bottle for feeding from about 6 months to 18 months old. When she was thirsty she would asked for a bottle, but she didn't pronounce it properly, she would said 'Brrrrrrrrrr-tle'. She would have been older than 2 before she stopped saying it like that. Other people didn't understand her when she asked for a drink like that but we knew what she meant. It was so cute.
I miss her.
Kayleigh had two things which we remember clearly from when she learnt to talk. Her first word was, of course 'Daddy' followed by 'Mum'. It was the accent that she used on Daddy that was most noticeable, even to strangers. Kayleigh said 'Daddy' with an English accent (Terence is from England) so it came out more like 'Da-deeeeee' Which was very cute and I think Terence really like it like that. Over time, and with interaction with other people and more vocabulary, Kayleigh lost the accent on 'Daddy'.
The other word that we remember is the word 'bottle'. Kayleigh used a bottle for feeding from about 6 months to 18 months old. When she was thirsty she would asked for a bottle, but she didn't pronounce it properly, she would said 'Brrrrrrrrrr-tle'. She would have been older than 2 before she stopped saying it like that. Other people didn't understand her when she asked for a drink like that but we knew what she meant. It was so cute.
I miss her.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Anxiety
I have held off writing about Kayleigh and her Dad, Terence, as Tel asked me not to until he was ready.
Kayleigh didn't have anxiety, she loved the world, but her Dad suffered from severe anxiety which did mean that some of the things that Kayleigh wanted to do - like go down the coast - was not possible. Anxiety is extremely limiting for sufferers and their family but Kayleigh dealt with it with smiles and love.
In year 7, her dad was particularly bad, at one stage he had difficulties even taking the kids to school. Kayleigh was happy to go with the other kids to primary school and then jump on her bike and go to school herself, even it meant being 5 minutes late. She did this because she was helping her dad. Every day she would call him at either recess or lunch to see how he was going she always said ' Dad if it gets too bad, I'll come home for you.' She told him to call her if he wanted to, even though he never did. It was the knowledge that Kayleigh was happy to be there that made it easier. Several times when her dad had massive panic attacks before school (I had already left for work) she stayed at home to make sure that he was OK. She loved this time with her dad when the other kids were at school, helping him in the garden, or clean the house, or making him a cup of tea. Terence did feel bad about Kayleigh staying home just to make sure he was OK, but looking but he doesn't regret it - those times he had with Kayleigh were special and he is glad he had them.
Kayleigh didn't have anxiety, she loved the world, but her Dad suffered from severe anxiety which did mean that some of the things that Kayleigh wanted to do - like go down the coast - was not possible. Anxiety is extremely limiting for sufferers and their family but Kayleigh dealt with it with smiles and love.
In year 7, her dad was particularly bad, at one stage he had difficulties even taking the kids to school. Kayleigh was happy to go with the other kids to primary school and then jump on her bike and go to school herself, even it meant being 5 minutes late. She did this because she was helping her dad. Every day she would call him at either recess or lunch to see how he was going she always said ' Dad if it gets too bad, I'll come home for you.' She told him to call her if he wanted to, even though he never did. It was the knowledge that Kayleigh was happy to be there that made it easier. Several times when her dad had massive panic attacks before school (I had already left for work) she stayed at home to make sure that he was OK. She loved this time with her dad when the other kids were at school, helping him in the garden, or clean the house, or making him a cup of tea. Terence did feel bad about Kayleigh staying home just to make sure he was OK, but looking but he doesn't regret it - those times he had with Kayleigh were special and he is glad he had them.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Athletics Carnival
Calwell High just had their athletics carnival for the year - with one surprise - Natassja won the girls javelin (she is not sporty at all) although it was through default as no other persons javelin stuck in the ground. I think no-one was more surprised than Natassja herself and if Kayleigh was here she would have been laughing at the sheer silliness of it all.
Now we all knew that Kayleigh shone in sports, although her asthma did affect her performance somewhat. She always did well at the cross country and she also did well at the athletics carnival particularly the 100m, 400m, long jump and shot put. Kayleigh made the Murrumbidgee carnival for the first time in year 6 for 400m and long jump, although she did pull out of the 400m because she had an asthma attack. That year I came down during lunch time to see her run (it was at Calwell oval) and she was soooo happy to see me - and of course convince me to give her money to buy herself some lollies and a soft drink. The next year she made the Murrumbidgee (or was it the Southside Carnival?) again - this time in 100m, 800m and shot put. This time it was down at Lanyon oval - I didn't go to see her, but she did OK - didn't come a place in anything but she was really happy just to be there and see some of her friends do well. Kayleigh always came home from athletics carnivals with bunches of ribbons and the biggest smile on her face. In the primary years it was always good to see as she felt like she was achieving something. Her nanny started a book for her that she put all of her awards into and she was so proud of it, as we were of her.
Now we all knew that Kayleigh shone in sports, although her asthma did affect her performance somewhat. She always did well at the cross country and she also did well at the athletics carnival particularly the 100m, 400m, long jump and shot put. Kayleigh made the Murrumbidgee carnival for the first time in year 6 for 400m and long jump, although she did pull out of the 400m because she had an asthma attack. That year I came down during lunch time to see her run (it was at Calwell oval) and she was soooo happy to see me - and of course convince me to give her money to buy herself some lollies and a soft drink. The next year she made the Murrumbidgee (or was it the Southside Carnival?) again - this time in 100m, 800m and shot put. This time it was down at Lanyon oval - I didn't go to see her, but she did OK - didn't come a place in anything but she was really happy just to be there and see some of her friends do well. Kayleigh always came home from athletics carnivals with bunches of ribbons and the biggest smile on her face. In the primary years it was always good to see as she felt like she was achieving something. Her nanny started a book for her that she put all of her awards into and she was so proud of it, as we were of her.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
A little bit of love
One of Terence's last memories of Kayleigh is of the Tuesday two days before she collapsed. Kayleigh had been up the night before with her asthma and was getting a flu, so she was too sick and tired to go to school. The weekend previous Terence and I put up the frame of the carport (the wettest and coldest day in May) - that might have contributed to Kayleigh being sick as she kept coming out to check on us...
On that Tuesday, Kayleigh helped her dad put on the roof of the carport. As I said previously, I have a clear memory of her sitting on the top of the ladder holding onto the aerial mast handing her dad screws when I pulled up in the driveway - Kayleigh called out 'Mummy!!' raced down the ladder and opened the gate to give me a hug. Anyway, before that, Terence was putting on the roof sheets when he managed to slice his finger with one of the pieces of metal - a nice clean cut. Kayleigh immediately got the first aid kit and ran back outside. She cleaned up her dad's bleeding finger, applied a steri-strip to hold it together and then put on the band-aid. Then she turned to her dad, gave his finger a kiss and said 'There you go Dad, all better, you can stop crying now'. I guess both Terence and I miss that spontaneous loving that Kayleigh gave, she wasn't embarassed by it, or afraid to show it.
On that Tuesday, Kayleigh helped her dad put on the roof of the carport. As I said previously, I have a clear memory of her sitting on the top of the ladder holding onto the aerial mast handing her dad screws when I pulled up in the driveway - Kayleigh called out 'Mummy!!' raced down the ladder and opened the gate to give me a hug. Anyway, before that, Terence was putting on the roof sheets when he managed to slice his finger with one of the pieces of metal - a nice clean cut. Kayleigh immediately got the first aid kit and ran back outside. She cleaned up her dad's bleeding finger, applied a steri-strip to hold it together and then put on the band-aid. Then she turned to her dad, gave his finger a kiss and said 'There you go Dad, all better, you can stop crying now'. I guess both Terence and I miss that spontaneous loving that Kayleigh gave, she wasn't embarassed by it, or afraid to show it.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Spirits
Since Kayleigh passed I have always wondered if when someone dies, sometime their spirit might be around, or have attached itself to another person . . . or something. I know Kayleigh believed in ghosts due to some of the weird goings on that have occurred, but something happened just after Kayleigh died that made me question what happens. I am personally not religious and do not believe in heaven or hell.
Two days after Kayleigh died, Kiara was asleep in our bed - she had just been diagnosed with asthma and Terence and I needed to keep an eye on her at all times. Now Kiara was 4 at this stage and her speech was ot very good. Lots of times we where her translator as she was quite difficult to understand. Now this night, it was about 2 am, and Kiara wet the bed (I know - yucky). I immediately jumped out and said - 'Kiara, you wet the bed!'. Kiara was still quite asleep but she said - very clearly and quite articulately 'Ewww! That is like, so gross!!!' My mouth hit the floor. Not only did she not sound like Kiara, but that sentence had never come out of her mouth (and has never since). Kayleigh used to say something similar if Kiara wet the bed as they used to share a double bed. I know I didn't dream it because I was wide awake at that time anyway, watching her breathe. It was just weird. I sometimes think that maybe part of Kayleigh's spirit attached itself to her little sister - after all Kiara was next to her on the bed when she had stopped breathing at home, and Kayleigh and Kiara were very close. Even now, some of Kiara's behaviour is a mirror of what Kayleigh was like - not often - but enough to make you stop.
Two days after Kayleigh died, Kiara was asleep in our bed - she had just been diagnosed with asthma and Terence and I needed to keep an eye on her at all times. Now Kiara was 4 at this stage and her speech was ot very good. Lots of times we where her translator as she was quite difficult to understand. Now this night, it was about 2 am, and Kiara wet the bed (I know - yucky). I immediately jumped out and said - 'Kiara, you wet the bed!'. Kiara was still quite asleep but she said - very clearly and quite articulately 'Ewww! That is like, so gross!!!' My mouth hit the floor. Not only did she not sound like Kiara, but that sentence had never come out of her mouth (and has never since). Kayleigh used to say something similar if Kiara wet the bed as they used to share a double bed. I know I didn't dream it because I was wide awake at that time anyway, watching her breathe. It was just weird. I sometimes think that maybe part of Kayleigh's spirit attached itself to her little sister - after all Kiara was next to her on the bed when she had stopped breathing at home, and Kayleigh and Kiara were very close. Even now, some of Kiara's behaviour is a mirror of what Kayleigh was like - not often - but enough to make you stop.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Stationery
I recently moved jobs again, packing up my boxes and putting them in the car, and the thing that reminded me of Kayleigh.
I got my first full time job just after uni when Kayleigh was 4 or 5 years old (pre-school aged) and I stayed in the area for 6 and 1/2 years before moving to a different department. It was the first time that Kayleigh saw me come home with a box of accumulated stationery from my job. Needless to say, along with her connector pens, Kayleigh loved stationery. I barely walked through the door when she was into my box, pulling things out and asking if she could have it - she really liked taking my highlighters, post-it notes, writing pads and my coloured pens - I think at that stage I has alot of pink, purple and green pens. Every time I moved onwards from then, Kayleigh was always pinching my stationery. If I brought work home then it was almost ensured that any pens I brought with me to write with would mysteriously end up in Kayleigh's pencil case. I took to leaving my box of stuff in the car, to no avail - Kayleigh knew when I was moving jobs and there she would be, rifling through my box in the back of the car, looking for anything that she thought she wanted. I didn't mind, and sometimes if i had a nice pen or pencil, or a different colour highlighter that I no longer required (or was a really cool colour), I would bring it home for Kayleigh.
I got my first full time job just after uni when Kayleigh was 4 or 5 years old (pre-school aged) and I stayed in the area for 6 and 1/2 years before moving to a different department. It was the first time that Kayleigh saw me come home with a box of accumulated stationery from my job. Needless to say, along with her connector pens, Kayleigh loved stationery. I barely walked through the door when she was into my box, pulling things out and asking if she could have it - she really liked taking my highlighters, post-it notes, writing pads and my coloured pens - I think at that stage I has alot of pink, purple and green pens. Every time I moved onwards from then, Kayleigh was always pinching my stationery. If I brought work home then it was almost ensured that any pens I brought with me to write with would mysteriously end up in Kayleigh's pencil case. I took to leaving my box of stuff in the car, to no avail - Kayleigh knew when I was moving jobs and there she would be, rifling through my box in the back of the car, looking for anything that she thought she wanted. I didn't mind, and sometimes if i had a nice pen or pencil, or a different colour highlighter that I no longer required (or was a really cool colour), I would bring it home for Kayleigh.
Monday, October 10, 2011
S....E....X
Get your attention?!
I was remembering today how innocent children are when it comes to knowing about sex. I have mo doubt that by 13, Kayleigh knew what sex was and how it was down (as taught by many sex ed classes at school).
I do remember some of her innocent comments of what sex was when she was growing up.
My favourites were probably:
* Sex is when mum and dad kiss alot (she was about 4 or 5)
* Sex is when mum and dad are naked and kiss alot (probably about 8 or 9)
* Sex is when a girl and guy get together and they are naked and their ''you knows'' , well you know and they they well, you know (at 12 - and I laughed my head off cause she refused to say anything . . .you know)
I was remembering today how innocent children are when it comes to knowing about sex. I have mo doubt that by 13, Kayleigh knew what sex was and how it was down (as taught by many sex ed classes at school).
I do remember some of her innocent comments of what sex was when she was growing up.
My favourites were probably:
* Sex is when mum and dad kiss alot (she was about 4 or 5)
* Sex is when mum and dad are naked and kiss alot (probably about 8 or 9)
* Sex is when a girl and guy get together and they are naked and their ''you knows'' , well you know and they they well, you know (at 12 - and I laughed my head off cause she refused to say anything . . .you know)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Remembering Kayleigh: Jess Chapman
Jess was Kayleigh's closest friend at High School. She posted this on Kayleigh's FB page and I wanted to share it with everyone. Thank you Jess xxxx
This was the sky on Kayleigh's Birthday this year. It looked absolutely magnificent, which you may not be able to see in the photo. It was truly beautiful. At one point i though i saw Kayleigh up there. The dark clouds moved apart rather faster than was normal and revealed a peak of a cloud that had captured the sun, i saw a flicker of a gold wisp right on top of it, as if Kayleigh was sitting there, her hair floating across the dark around her. You can see the peak in the photo. I felt really touched and sat and watched the whole sunset. I knew she was there sharing the moment with me
This was the sky on Kayleigh's Birthday this year. It looked absolutely magnificent, which you may not be able to see in the photo. It was truly beautiful. At one point i though i saw Kayleigh up there. The dark clouds moved apart rather faster than was normal and revealed a peak of a cloud that had captured the sun, i saw a flicker of a gold wisp right on top of it, as if Kayleigh was sitting there, her hair floating across the dark around her. You can see the peak in the photo. I felt really touched and sat and watched the whole sunset. I knew she was there sharing the moment with me
Friday, October 7, 2011
Dreaming of Kayleigh
Since Kayleigh passed away I have only ever dreamt of her three times - maybe it's my mind only allowing me to dream of things that won't upset me or something - I'm not sure how the dreaming state works. But only three time, twice in the first weeks after Kayleigh died, and then only last night - 15 months apart.
The first dream occurred the day after Kayleigh passed. We were at a family gathering and Kayleigh appeared. She didn't say anything, just looked at me, turned and walked away.
The second dream was the day after. We were at the same family gathering and Kayleigh walked up to me and said 'I'm allowed to talk to you this time.' I pulled her into a hug, smelt her hair. Kayleigh pulled away and said 'It's OK Mum, I'm OK, I'm Happy - I'm just here to tell you that I love you and that I'm OK and not to worry, not to be sad.' Kayleigh then said she wanted to play with her siblings and she gave me another hug and ran oer to where Natassja, Kiara, Terry and Lucas were playing. She played on a slide with Lucas and got on the trampoline with them all. I watched them bouncing up and down, laughing and hugging. I turned away to say something to someone, but when I turned back she was gone.
Last night I dreamt of Kayleigh again. I very different dream. She was older and gone fishing with some guy she was seeing. She fell overboard and drowned. I found her and attempted CPR but again it was in vain. But then Kayleigh was standing at my shoulder telling me it wasn't my fault, nothing could have stopped it happening and not to blame myself. Everything was OK.
I like to think that somehow Kayleigh was reaching out to me, that these dreams came from her.......telling me with her wisdom to remember how she was and how much she loved us.
The first dream occurred the day after Kayleigh passed. We were at a family gathering and Kayleigh appeared. She didn't say anything, just looked at me, turned and walked away.
The second dream was the day after. We were at the same family gathering and Kayleigh walked up to me and said 'I'm allowed to talk to you this time.' I pulled her into a hug, smelt her hair. Kayleigh pulled away and said 'It's OK Mum, I'm OK, I'm Happy - I'm just here to tell you that I love you and that I'm OK and not to worry, not to be sad.' Kayleigh then said she wanted to play with her siblings and she gave me another hug and ran oer to where Natassja, Kiara, Terry and Lucas were playing. She played on a slide with Lucas and got on the trampoline with them all. I watched them bouncing up and down, laughing and hugging. I turned away to say something to someone, but when I turned back she was gone.
Last night I dreamt of Kayleigh again. I very different dream. She was older and gone fishing with some guy she was seeing. She fell overboard and drowned. I found her and attempted CPR but again it was in vain. But then Kayleigh was standing at my shoulder telling me it wasn't my fault, nothing could have stopped it happening and not to blame myself. Everything was OK.
I like to think that somehow Kayleigh was reaching out to me, that these dreams came from her.......telling me with her wisdom to remember how she was and how much she loved us.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Make up
Anyone that knew Kayleigh also knew that she didn't like to wear make up - maybe she got it from me as I don't wear make up either, but also I think because her dad always told her that she was beautiful enough without it.
However - when she was about 7 or 8, I dabbled in selling AVON and I had a huge sample set of make up including lipstick, nail polish, eye shodow - the works really. Now Kayleigh quite enjoyed it when I would put a little lippy on her, and frankly the more outrageous the make up, the funnier she found it. One day, Kayleigh and Natassja decided that they themselves would try out the make up, and as we all would know, it doesn't work out too well when kids play grown up make ups by themselves.
Kayleigh ended up with bright red lippy all over her face with green eye shadow which was not on her eyes at all. and the worst thing was my very good dark red nail polish - Kayleigh had decided the best thing for that was to be painted in the bath tub - all over it. It took Terence weeks to chip it all out - we couldn't use nail polish remover as it would also take all the enamel off the bath surface. After then I never had any make up in the house.
However - when she was about 7 or 8, I dabbled in selling AVON and I had a huge sample set of make up including lipstick, nail polish, eye shodow - the works really. Now Kayleigh quite enjoyed it when I would put a little lippy on her, and frankly the more outrageous the make up, the funnier she found it. One day, Kayleigh and Natassja decided that they themselves would try out the make up, and as we all would know, it doesn't work out too well when kids play grown up make ups by themselves.
Kayleigh ended up with bright red lippy all over her face with green eye shadow which was not on her eyes at all. and the worst thing was my very good dark red nail polish - Kayleigh had decided the best thing for that was to be painted in the bath tub - all over it. It took Terence weeks to chip it all out - we couldn't use nail polish remover as it would also take all the enamel off the bath surface. After then I never had any make up in the house.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The writing under the bed
I have have previously mentioned, Kayleigh (and Natassja) would write on the wood under Kayleighs bed. Kayleigh would do it when she was happy, when she was angry or sad and sometimes when Natassja and here were being rude to each other. Attached is a selection things the Kayleigh wrote.
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| Being rude with Natassja |
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| Not sure if this started out well, and then sucked |
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| After a bad day at school |
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| Fighting with Natassja |
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| Tagging her bed :) |
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| Too sad :'( |
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| Everyone has happy moments |
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| Written News Years Eve 2010. |
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Thinking outside the square
Terence and I were discussing some of the things Kayleigh had done when she was little and one of things that keeps cropping up is how Kayleigh, when she was little, would think of ways of doing things that the rest of us couldn't think of.
When she was about 5, Terence was making a vege patch and wanted to put some mesh over the top to prevent the dog getting into it when the veges where just seedlings. To help hold it down Terence needed some U-nails but we didn't have any. Terence was discussing it with me telling me to go down the hardware store and get some nails when Kayleigh piped up and said ' Dad why don't you just get some normal nails, take the tops off and bend them over, then you will have a u-nail'. She was right, and we didn't think of it.
One day, Terence was trying to move a brick from the retaining wall (they are very large bricks) and the brick was buried in the soil. Terence had been trying for ages to get the thing out when Kayleigh came along with a long steel pole and told Terence to use it with a small brick to lever it out. Terence felt silly cause he didn't think of it.
When she was about 5, Terence was making a vege patch and wanted to put some mesh over the top to prevent the dog getting into it when the veges where just seedlings. To help hold it down Terence needed some U-nails but we didn't have any. Terence was discussing it with me telling me to go down the hardware store and get some nails when Kayleigh piped up and said ' Dad why don't you just get some normal nails, take the tops off and bend them over, then you will have a u-nail'. She was right, and we didn't think of it.
One day, Terence was trying to move a brick from the retaining wall (they are very large bricks) and the brick was buried in the soil. Terence had been trying for ages to get the thing out when Kayleigh came along with a long steel pole and told Terence to use it with a small brick to lever it out. Terence felt silly cause he didn't think of it.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
No posts this week
Apologies to everyone that is reading Kayleighs blog, the last week has been hard - with Kayleigh 14 years and 9 months day passing (the day she was looking forward to since she was 12) and then her final death certificate being delivered. It has been a little much. I have spent some moments crying - in the shower, in the car on the way to work and one time when I woke up. It's still hard, everyday I think about her, and recollect moments in her life and sometimes think about that fateful morning and go through the 'what if's' in my head - which don't really do me any good. I have found myself turning off the radio because some of the songs have lyrics that either remind me of Kayleigh or remind me of what we have lost.
I will get back to writing some more, when I feel more like it, so keep checking in.
I will get back to writing some more, when I feel more like it, so keep checking in.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Memory: Hannah Jacoby
Kayleigh and Hannah were first friends in Kindy and Year one, before Hannah went to a different school. They re-connected in High School. This post was written by Hannah:
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Kayleigh was more than a best friend to me, she was like a sister I never new until high school. I love her like she was my sister. Kayleigh was not like other people. she was a caring person, who cared for everyone, she was also amazing and no one can take that from her.. Kayleigh should of had more time in life, but we can't control the way god controls the world. but I know she is in heaven looking down on us. She is in a safer place..
I miss sitting at the tree we always sat at with tash and some other friends, talking about stuff that we don't tell anyone else. I remember the last time we were together, We were sitting at our tree and I remember you said that you weren't feeling so well. Everyday all I can think about is the last words I heard you say to me, I will see you at lunch...
MY message to Kayleigh..
Dear Kayleigh,
I miss you so much, no one could believe it but maybe your family, you were like that older sister that I loved, told everything to, there is not one day that can't think about you.. you were the friend I told everything to. I miss you and love you!!
love Hannah..
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Kayleigh was more than a best friend to me, she was like a sister I never new until high school. I love her like she was my sister. Kayleigh was not like other people. she was a caring person, who cared for everyone, she was also amazing and no one can take that from her.. Kayleigh should of had more time in life, but we can't control the way god controls the world. but I know she is in heaven looking down on us. She is in a safer place..
I miss sitting at the tree we always sat at with tash and some other friends, talking about stuff that we don't tell anyone else. I remember the last time we were together, We were sitting at our tree and I remember you said that you weren't feeling so well. Everyday all I can think about is the last words I heard you say to me, I will see you at lunch...
MY message to Kayleigh..
Dear Kayleigh,
I miss you so much, no one could believe it but maybe your family, you were like that older sister that I loved, told everything to, there is not one day that can't think about you.. you were the friend I told everything to. I miss you and love you!!
love Hannah..
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Things I have that remind me of Kayleigh
Most of Kayleigh's things sit in a crate in the top of the linen cupboard - it's preatty sad to think that her whole life could fit into one crate. There are a couple of things that we have that remind me strongly of Kayleigh so when I am missing her most, I look at them...
1. Her dressing gown - Nanny bought her this for Easter the last year and she wore it every night before bed and most mornings before she got dressed. It's soft and smells like her still.
2. Her mock for her phone - it's rainbow coloured - her favourite
3. The picture Kayliegh drew for me for Christmas when she was in pre-school. I had it at work with me since then and used to look at it every day.
4. Her Leluu towel she won in Year 7 for doing the most exercise activities in a period.
1. Her dressing gown - Nanny bought her this for Easter the last year and she wore it every night before bed and most mornings before she got dressed. It's soft and smells like her still.
3. The picture Kayliegh drew for me for Christmas when she was in pre-school. I had it at work with me since then and used to look at it every day.
4. Her Leluu towel she won in Year 7 for doing the most exercise activities in a period.
5. The wheat pillow she made in Kindergarten for Mother's day. I have never ever used it but it reminds me of her.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Learning to Skip
Now I don't mean learning to skip with a skipping rope - because Kayleigh was very good a skipping with a skipping rope - she was even in the top group at primary school in the skipping group they had. What I mean by learning to skip is the action like walking, running . . . . . .and skipping.
Now you would have thought Kayleigh would be really good at skipping, after all she was great at running and climbing and doing the monkey bars - but funny enough learning how to skip did not come naturally to her. At Pre-school the mid-year report was based on things such a balancing on the balance beam and sitting and paying attention and one of the things that Kayleigh rated low at was skipping. I tried to explain skipping to Kayleigh - I told her that it was like walking but with a small hop on each leg as you moved (how else can you explain skipping??) and showed her. The very next morning she decided to ''skip'' to school - which was her hopping twice on each leg all the way down. It looked . . . . .well . . . . ridiculous (try it yourself!!!!) - Kayleigh just couldn't get the rhythm of skipping. It hen told her to take a step before the hopping part so step, hop, step, hop, step, hop - which she did try and managed to trip herself over. You could see that she was thinking too hard about getting to right and not letting it come naturally. After that I pretty much think she gave up until Natassja showed her. Kayleigh wasn't much one for skipping, I hardly ever saw her skipping - running was her thing so that's what she did.
Now you would have thought Kayleigh would be really good at skipping, after all she was great at running and climbing and doing the monkey bars - but funny enough learning how to skip did not come naturally to her. At Pre-school the mid-year report was based on things such a balancing on the balance beam and sitting and paying attention and one of the things that Kayleigh rated low at was skipping. I tried to explain skipping to Kayleigh - I told her that it was like walking but with a small hop on each leg as you moved (how else can you explain skipping??) and showed her. The very next morning she decided to ''skip'' to school - which was her hopping twice on each leg all the way down. It looked . . . . .well . . . . ridiculous (try it yourself!!!!) - Kayleigh just couldn't get the rhythm of skipping. It hen told her to take a step before the hopping part so step, hop, step, hop, step, hop - which she did try and managed to trip herself over. You could see that she was thinking too hard about getting to right and not letting it come naturally. After that I pretty much think she gave up until Natassja showed her. Kayleigh wasn't much one for skipping, I hardly ever saw her skipping - running was her thing so that's what she did.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
14 and 9 months
This coming week Kayleigh would have been 14 years and 9 months old - an age that she had been counting down to since she turned 12. The day that she could go out and get a job. Kayleigh had big plans for working. She had decided that the best first job to get would be at Woolworths in Calwell - 1. because it was close to home and school and 2. because she would get a staff discount that could help her family with the food bill (yes it is only 5% but every little bit counts). Kayleigh had already asked me to set up an internet banking account for her when she started working as she planned to save at least 75% of her income and leave 25% for her to buy things she wanted to - which knowing her would have been things for her siblings or for her dad. Kayleigh figured she could earn $100 a fortnight, and from that she could save $2000 in the first year and over $10,000 in four years (taking into account that the hourly rate increases as you get older). Kayleigh's plan was to buy a property by the time she was 21 - and she knew she needed about $30,000 to achieve this. Her plan included getting full time employment by the time she was 19 - as a personal trainer or gym instructor - and living at home - and saving the 75% of each pay still. She thought she could be earning $35,000 p/a by then, so could save $600 p/f or $15,000 per year. After she got her house, she then planned to rent the rooms out and so she would have extra income to assist with the mortgage.
Of course this was all just a plan and nothing ever works out as you plan it - Kayleigh might have decided to buy a car, or go overseas with her friends, but knowing her, I think she would have done as she planned.
Of course this was all just a plan and nothing ever works out as you plan it - Kayleigh might have decided to buy a car, or go overseas with her friends, but knowing her, I think she would have done as she planned.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Father's day
Father's day has come again, this years has turned out better than last years, which is good for Terence.
Father's day was one of those days that Kayleigh tried to make special for her dad. Every year she would get excited and make father's day cards in advance and try and get the other kids to sign them. One year, she got Terence a box of Lindt chocolate balls (which were his favourite at the time) and attempted to do the right thing by making daddy a cup of coffee in bed with a plate of lindt balls. In her attempt to be wonderful she had un-wrapped the lindt balls before presenting them. I don't think Terence could have managed to eat 10 lindt balls with his coffee that morning . . . . .
In year 7, fathers day occurred when Kayleigh had metal work at school and being her, she made him a Father's Day card using metal. She spent a couple of days cutting it is size and trimming the corners and then bending it. They didn't have an engraver at school she could use so she brought it home and scratched 'Daddy' on the front and the wrote her message on a post-it note and stuck it inside. Terence keeps his card in his shed to look at when he feels like it. Kayleigh's card will never break down or tear - it will last forever.
Father's day was one of those days that Kayleigh tried to make special for her dad. Every year she would get excited and make father's day cards in advance and try and get the other kids to sign them. One year, she got Terence a box of Lindt chocolate balls (which were his favourite at the time) and attempted to do the right thing by making daddy a cup of coffee in bed with a plate of lindt balls. In her attempt to be wonderful she had un-wrapped the lindt balls before presenting them. I don't think Terence could have managed to eat 10 lindt balls with his coffee that morning . . . . .
In year 7, fathers day occurred when Kayleigh had metal work at school and being her, she made him a Father's Day card using metal. She spent a couple of days cutting it is size and trimming the corners and then bending it. They didn't have an engraver at school she could use so she brought it home and scratched 'Daddy' on the front and the wrote her message on a post-it note and stuck it inside. Terence keeps his card in his shed to look at when he feels like it. Kayleigh's card will never break down or tear - it will last forever.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Grandpa and the birthday present hunt
When Kayleigh was 12, Grandpa decided that she was old enough to do a little extra to get her birthday present, and so he devised a birthday present hunt using cryptic clues that led Kayleigh from our house all around Theodore. Grandpa set the clues up and placed them all in their places before coming to our house and giving Kayleigh her present - which only consisted of an envelope with the first clue. The clues had her running all over the place, from the little park near our house, down to the school, the oval , the park past the oval and other places until leading them back to our house. Grandpa had given me the keys to the car and had me hide the present under her pillow ready for her to find. Kayleigh thought that this was completely AWESOME and begged and begged Grandpa to do it again for her next birthday. Grandpa liked making her 'work' for her present and they had a lot of fun trying to figure out each clue and running to find the next one. Kayleigh really really really really enjoyed this method of getting presents as she has so much fun doing it - it was almost better than the present itself. (By the way the present she got that year was a butterfly pendant for her necklace that she wore to her year 6 graduation - I have have been wearing it for the last 6 months)
Thursday, September 1, 2011
The Coroners Inquest
I got the phone call today. The Coroner has finished his investigation into Kayleigh's death and we will finally have the death certificate next week. He said the hold up was getting the information out of the ambulance service - he only got it this week, after requesting it this time last year. According the ambulance records the Calwell Ambulance was not available as it was already at the hospital dropping off another patient. The closest one to us was at Kambah and it came as quickly as it could. It begs the question - is there only one ambulance at Calwell????? and if so, why????
The official cause of Kayleigh's death, as to be shown her the death certificate is Global Ischemia (Brain damage caused by lack of blood supply) caused by prolonged cardiac arrest - by our measure by the time the ambulance got here Kayleigh had been not breathing for almost 30 minutes. She never had a chance. The report also outlined that she had the early signs of pneumonia in both lungs and signs of asthma consistent with bronchial-asthmatics. The cause for her heart stopping is unknown and will never be known. The heart itself was fine, but any electrical problems cannot be determined after death.
So where does that leave us - with more questions that do not have an answer and it makes me sad and angry. WE will never know what really caused her death and we will never know if the outcome would have been different if the ambulance was only 3 minutes away. We may have got Kayleigh back but she have been a 'vegetable', or she may have been OK. We will never know.
The official cause of Kayleigh's death, as to be shown her the death certificate is Global Ischemia (Brain damage caused by lack of blood supply) caused by prolonged cardiac arrest - by our measure by the time the ambulance got here Kayleigh had been not breathing for almost 30 minutes. She never had a chance. The report also outlined that she had the early signs of pneumonia in both lungs and signs of asthma consistent with bronchial-asthmatics. The cause for her heart stopping is unknown and will never be known. The heart itself was fine, but any electrical problems cannot be determined after death.
So where does that leave us - with more questions that do not have an answer and it makes me sad and angry. WE will never know what really caused her death and we will never know if the outcome would have been different if the ambulance was only 3 minutes away. We may have got Kayleigh back but she have been a 'vegetable', or she may have been OK. We will never know.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Family: Grandpa
Grandpa is my dad - also affectionately known as Jurassic Fart. Grandpa played quite a big role in Kayleigh's life. From a young age Grandpa took Kayleigh (and her siblings) out to places like Weston Park, bush walking, Questacon and sometimes even the movies. Kayleigh really loved going out with Grandpa but she did get a little sick of going on bush walks. One time Grandpa took Kayleigh, Natassja and Terry to Sydney to the Zoo - and Kayleigh was really impressed by the elephants. On another occasion he took Kayleigh and Natassja down to Cooma for an astronomical thing - where Kayleigh said the best thing was going to the chinese restaurant, but she didn't like the fact Grandpa made her use chopsticks!!
At Corin dam
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| Sydney |
Piccadilly Circus in the Brindabella's - the sign burnt down in 2003
Wanting to push Natassja in.
At the 'Canberra show' patting (as she said ) - Mummy!!!!
Friday, August 26, 2011
The Fountain of Lemonade
Kayleigh was breast feed until she was about 6 months old and then we started her on bottles - until she started gnawing at the teats and making huge teeth holes in them. One day we were having lunch at a small eatery at Tuggeranong called the Grapevine (where the $5 bookshop is now near Woolworths). Kayleigh had been whinging for a drink and we didn't want to pay the exhorbinant prices at the eatery so Terence went and got a small bottle of lemonade from Woolworths to put in her bottle. We forgot to check if the teat had holes in it and we also forgot to shake the lemonade after we had put it in the bottle to take most of the fizz out of it. Kayleigh grabbed her bottle and started drinking while we got back to our lunch. The next thing we knew, Kayleigh started shaking her bottle and a huge fountain of lemonade started erupting out of the 4 holes that was in the teat. Kayleigh was laughing as she thought it was extremely amusing, but the old ladies on the table next to us were not amused as the got drenched by the lemonade. I'm sure they though we were the worst people in the world, they didn't even wait for us to apologise, they just stood up and stomped out of there. Terence grabbed the bottle and covered all the holes and waited until it stopped fizzing much to Kayleigh's annoyance - she was having a great time.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
In the kitchen
Kayleigh didn't really get into cooking but she sure liked to 'help' cook. Whenever I would bake a cake, she was there helping break the eggs or measure out the milk and stir the batter - but it was in her plan so she could lick the bowl. When I started making lemon cheesecakes, Kayleigh was there helping so she could run of with the not quite empty sweetened condensed milk can. Kayleigh did attempt to make a cheesecake herself once but she just didn't have the patience to mix the Philadelphia cheese until it was nice and smooth, so she ended up with a nice tasting cheesecake, but with lumps of philly cheese in it.
When it came to the actual cooking, Kayleigh was happy to stir something every now and again, but she hated standing at the stove for long periods, so she would either delegate the job to her sister, or walk off. One time I asked her to cook the sausages on the BBQ but since there was a program on TV she really wanted to watch she did a very quick job and the sausages were still raw when she brought them in. I was not impressed.
Kayleigh did like to help with the pork roast as I have mentioned before, but her love of cooking went as far as licking the bowl, 'taste-testing' the food as it cooked and eating the results. She could never have cooked a whole meal by herself because she was too interested in doing other things.
When it came to the actual cooking, Kayleigh was happy to stir something every now and again, but she hated standing at the stove for long periods, so she would either delegate the job to her sister, or walk off. One time I asked her to cook the sausages on the BBQ but since there was a program on TV she really wanted to watch she did a very quick job and the sausages were still raw when she brought them in. I was not impressed.
Kayleigh did like to help with the pork roast as I have mentioned before, but her love of cooking went as far as licking the bowl, 'taste-testing' the food as it cooked and eating the results. She could never have cooked a whole meal by herself because she was too interested in doing other things.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Glass half full, or half empty
Was Kayleigh an optimist or a pessimist? I think anyone who knew her would have known that she was definitely an optimist. Kayleigh always tried to stay happy and think about the positive things and attempt to make sure that negative things did not get her down.
Sometimes when things went wrong, Kayleigh would be there saying 'it's OK, you can try again/ it doesn't matter etc' and try to make me laugh. When I made redundant in 2007, I was also an optimist and her dad was the pessimist - and Kayleigh told him not to worry because mum would find a new job soon and everything would be OK (I was only out of work for 7 weeks). When I was cranky and frustrated at the kids , Kayleigh would tell me to go in another room, sit down and have a cup of tea. She would tell the other kids to settle down because mum was getting cross and then she would bring me a tea and tell me the although the kids were being ratty they still loved me and it could be worse - they could have broken the TV (or something equally stupid) and bring a smile to my face. She always found the silver lining in those clouds.
It's not to say that Kayleigh sometimes didn't get down and pessimistic about some aspects, but overall she was an optimist - a sunny little girl that brought positive thinking to alot of people.
Sometimes when things went wrong, Kayleigh would be there saying 'it's OK, you can try again/ it doesn't matter etc' and try to make me laugh. When I made redundant in 2007, I was also an optimist and her dad was the pessimist - and Kayleigh told him not to worry because mum would find a new job soon and everything would be OK (I was only out of work for 7 weeks). When I was cranky and frustrated at the kids , Kayleigh would tell me to go in another room, sit down and have a cup of tea. She would tell the other kids to settle down because mum was getting cross and then she would bring me a tea and tell me the although the kids were being ratty they still loved me and it could be worse - they could have broken the TV (or something equally stupid) and bring a smile to my face. She always found the silver lining in those clouds.
It's not to say that Kayleigh sometimes didn't get down and pessimistic about some aspects, but overall she was an optimist - a sunny little girl that brought positive thinking to alot of people.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Things she wanted to do
I think all people have a list of things they want to do in their lives, and Kayleigh was no different. I have been thinking about want she wanted and what she is missing out on - I have tried to compile a list of what I remember her talking about - some of her friends might be able to add to it.
There were the normal things that teenagers want - like get a job and drive a car. And then there was Kayleigh's list.
Things on Kayleigh's list:
-Go running with her dad at night
- Climb Mt Tennent with her dad
- Do weights with her dad and lift the bar with 10kgs on both sides
- Ride her bike down to Tuggeranong (with mum or Dad or Natassja or a friend)
- Take Kiara to school for her first day of Kindy and teach her to read
- Beat Natassja on Wii Fit skateboarding
- Travel to England and see her family that live there
- Go to New Zealand
- Buy a car and a house down the coast (don't we all!)
There were the normal things that teenagers want - like get a job and drive a car. And then there was Kayleigh's list.
Things on Kayleigh's list:
-Go running with her dad at night
- Climb Mt Tennent with her dad
- Do weights with her dad and lift the bar with 10kgs on both sides
- Ride her bike down to Tuggeranong (with mum or Dad or Natassja or a friend)
- Take Kiara to school for her first day of Kindy and teach her to read
- Beat Natassja on Wii Fit skateboarding
- Travel to England and see her family that live there
- Go to New Zealand
- Buy a car and a house down the coast (don't we all!)
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Hiding the evidence
As I have written about before, Kayleigh liked to sneak chocolate when ever there was some available but sometimes she snuck other food, when there was no chocolate available. She always tried hard to 'hide the evidence' that she had taken something and eaten it, but she wasn't very successful.
Sometimes when I had bought cake mix that came with icing, when I went to make the cake, the icing package was gone, and I went looking and found the left over icing that Kayleigh had made up in a bowl and eaten in her room. Then there was the can of sweetened condensed milk that she tried to eat, couldn't finish because it is too sickly, tried to get Natassja to finish and ended up with me finding them out and both of them feeling rather off for the rest of the day.
Kayleigh also liked to eat frozen peas - she would get a cup of them in summer and sit outside and eat them. And then there was the cans of spaghetti. Kayleigh was already called spaghetti girl at school because she liked to take cans of spaghetti to school and eat them, but she also liked to eat them at home - which wasn't a problem if she asked - but the number of times I walked in the door and Kayleigh quickly shoved something in a cupboard and tried to look innocent - every time there would be an open spaghetti tin with a fork in it. Sometimes she would manage to hide it but then forget about it only to have me or her dad find it later that day and she got in trouble - not for eating it, but for wasting it.
Nothing seems to go missing int he cupboard anymore and I don't find little surprises when I open the cupboard doors, but this just makes me miss Kayleigh more. Although it really annoyed me that she did it, I wish that she was still here to eat things she shouldn't.
Sometimes when I had bought cake mix that came with icing, when I went to make the cake, the icing package was gone, and I went looking and found the left over icing that Kayleigh had made up in a bowl and eaten in her room. Then there was the can of sweetened condensed milk that she tried to eat, couldn't finish because it is too sickly, tried to get Natassja to finish and ended up with me finding them out and both of them feeling rather off for the rest of the day.
Kayleigh also liked to eat frozen peas - she would get a cup of them in summer and sit outside and eat them. And then there was the cans of spaghetti. Kayleigh was already called spaghetti girl at school because she liked to take cans of spaghetti to school and eat them, but she also liked to eat them at home - which wasn't a problem if she asked - but the number of times I walked in the door and Kayleigh quickly shoved something in a cupboard and tried to look innocent - every time there would be an open spaghetti tin with a fork in it. Sometimes she would manage to hide it but then forget about it only to have me or her dad find it later that day and she got in trouble - not for eating it, but for wasting it.
Nothing seems to go missing int he cupboard anymore and I don't find little surprises when I open the cupboard doors, but this just makes me miss Kayleigh more. Although it really annoyed me that she did it, I wish that she was still here to eat things she shouldn't.
Friday, August 12, 2011
The Beastie Bus
When Kayleigh was in year 5 or 6, I 'inherited' my Dad's Toyota Tarago - it was an '85 model, beige in colour with over 260,000kms in the clock and still on it's first engine. I learnt to drive in that car. The kids all thought it was fantastic!!!!!!!!! Kayleigh especiallyy thought it was pretty cool sitting in the back. The kids all names it 'THE BEASTIE BUS' cause it was a beast and little beastie (the kids) sat in it.
It was the car we went storm chasing in it. One time when we were looking for storms, a kangaroo jumped out and we hit it. Kayleigh was really upset and she insisted that we make sure the kangaroo was suffering. The kangaroo didn't even dent the car but it did not make it out of the encounter alive.
One time we were sitting at the lights and a Nissan GTR pulled next to us. It was a nice looking car and the kids driving it couldn't have been more than 22 years old. Kayleigh thought it was a nice car. Terence - playing silly buggers - revved the engine and took off from the lights pretending to drag the GTR (we had no hope) but the kid saw it as an amusement and 'dragged' us up the highway letting us get in front every now and again. Kayleigh was laughing so hard she was crying- - it was too funny to see a clapped out old tarago trying to take on a new Nissan GTR.
The Beastie Bus had worn out suspension, meaning that every bump on the road was amplified in the back seat. There is a bump in the road coming up Tharwa drive from lanyon over the hill to Theodore. Kayleigh loved going up that hill because the back of the Beastie Bus would bounce up and down going over that bump - it was AWESOME!
One day we went to Woden and the Beastie Bus got stolen. Kayleigh had a panic attack over it. She went all white and shaking and she couldn't think straight. We manage to calm her down. The Beastie Bus was found a week later in Chifley - it had gone a whole 4 kms since it was taken, but they had broken the steering wheel cover and damaged the starting mechanism. We sold it soon after that - but Kayleigh was always reminisce about the Beastie Bus and how much fun it was to go places as a family.
It was the car we went storm chasing in it. One time when we were looking for storms, a kangaroo jumped out and we hit it. Kayleigh was really upset and she insisted that we make sure the kangaroo was suffering. The kangaroo didn't even dent the car but it did not make it out of the encounter alive.
One time we were sitting at the lights and a Nissan GTR pulled next to us. It was a nice looking car and the kids driving it couldn't have been more than 22 years old. Kayleigh thought it was a nice car. Terence - playing silly buggers - revved the engine and took off from the lights pretending to drag the GTR (we had no hope) but the kid saw it as an amusement and 'dragged' us up the highway letting us get in front every now and again. Kayleigh was laughing so hard she was crying- - it was too funny to see a clapped out old tarago trying to take on a new Nissan GTR.
The Beastie Bus had worn out suspension, meaning that every bump on the road was amplified in the back seat. There is a bump in the road coming up Tharwa drive from lanyon over the hill to Theodore. Kayleigh loved going up that hill because the back of the Beastie Bus would bounce up and down going over that bump - it was AWESOME!
One day we went to Woden and the Beastie Bus got stolen. Kayleigh had a panic attack over it. She went all white and shaking and she couldn't think straight. We manage to calm her down. The Beastie Bus was found a week later in Chifley - it had gone a whole 4 kms since it was taken, but they had broken the steering wheel cover and damaged the starting mechanism. We sold it soon after that - but Kayleigh was always reminisce about the Beastie Bus and how much fun it was to go places as a family.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
It's black and it's white, it's wrong and it's right....
No, I am not referring to the Katy Perry song, but when I hear thse lines I do think of Kayleigh because she did think in very Black and White ways.
In Kindergarten Kayleigh fell out with a couple of girls for her insistence on not 'breaking the rules' in regards of going out of bounds. The girls wanted to play under a tree that would have been no futher than a couple of metres outside what Kayleigh had been told was the 'out of bounds' line. The girls really wanted to play under the tree as it was hot, but Kayleigh refused point blank to go past the line. In her mind it was 'wrong' and she didn't want to do the wrong thing. There was no way she was going to go outside the line, no matter how much she wanted to play with her friends.
The same went when a boy kept hitting her in year 1, for no real reason. We told Kayleigh to just punch him back so he would stop (I know, we are such bad parents!) but Kayleigh refused point blank to hit this kid back becuase the terachers had told them it was wrong. She would rather get hit by this kid then defend herself becuase she was told it was not the right thing to do and she would get into trouble. There was no grey in her world - it was either right, or wrong.
She did settle slightly with some shades of 'grey' as she got older, but she was always very insistant on doing the right thing. If it came to putting her principles on the line, she always chose what she believed was the right thing to do. She couldn't be influenced by others to do what she believed was the wrong thing. She wanted to avoid problems and the issues that came with crossing the line, so she rarely every went over it. I know she tried hard to please others by doing the 'right' things, but she never felt good by doing what she pereceived to be the wrong thing, so she never pushed it.
In Kindergarten Kayleigh fell out with a couple of girls for her insistence on not 'breaking the rules' in regards of going out of bounds. The girls wanted to play under a tree that would have been no futher than a couple of metres outside what Kayleigh had been told was the 'out of bounds' line. The girls really wanted to play under the tree as it was hot, but Kayleigh refused point blank to go past the line. In her mind it was 'wrong' and she didn't want to do the wrong thing. There was no way she was going to go outside the line, no matter how much she wanted to play with her friends.
The same went when a boy kept hitting her in year 1, for no real reason. We told Kayleigh to just punch him back so he would stop (I know, we are such bad parents!) but Kayleigh refused point blank to hit this kid back becuase the terachers had told them it was wrong. She would rather get hit by this kid then defend herself becuase she was told it was not the right thing to do and she would get into trouble. There was no grey in her world - it was either right, or wrong.
She did settle slightly with some shades of 'grey' as she got older, but she was always very insistant on doing the right thing. If it came to putting her principles on the line, she always chose what she believed was the right thing to do. She couldn't be influenced by others to do what she believed was the wrong thing. She wanted to avoid problems and the issues that came with crossing the line, so she rarely every went over it. I know she tried hard to please others by doing the 'right' things, but she never felt good by doing what she pereceived to be the wrong thing, so she never pushed it.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Reading
Kayleigh didn't enjoy reading that much, which made me a little sad because I love reading. I think the main reason that she didn't really get into reading that much was the struggles she had with learning to read. Kayleigh only managed to get to level 4 reading at the end of Kindergarten and went from level 6 to 10 in the last 2 weeks of year 1. I don't know why she struggled so much but it really put a dent in her love for reading. When she got to year 3 and 4 I encouraged her to read, and do the right things at home, by buying her a Rainbow Magic book each week. Within a couple of months, Natassja and Kayleigh had a good collection of Rainbow Magic books to read. Kayleigh liked the Rainbow Magic books - her favourite one was the 'Flute fairy' but I really don't know how many to read from cover to cover. Natassja devoured the books, but I think Kayleigh only picked up the ones she wanted to read and read the front chapter and then the last chapter and maybe one of the middle one, just to get an idea of the book.
At one stage we had most of the Harry Potter books for the girls, but neither of them were that interested in them and I don't think Kayleigh ever picked one up and tried to read it. I know she attempted to start on
The Lord of the Rings' but even I know the first couple of chapters in that book is heavy going and she soon lost interest.
At the end of year seven, Kayleigh brought home one of the Twilight series - New Moon (I think). She was trying to read it in her English class, and she told me she wanted to see what all the fuss was about and she again found it hard to get into the book - She told me it would be easier to wait to see the movie. I told her that books always have more in them than movies and to try and persevere with the book. I don't know how much she got through but she still had it when she passed away and I got Natassja to secretly give it back to the library at school - it would have been 8 months overdue.
At one stage we had most of the Harry Potter books for the girls, but neither of them were that interested in them and I don't think Kayleigh ever picked one up and tried to read it. I know she attempted to start on
The Lord of the Rings' but even I know the first couple of chapters in that book is heavy going and she soon lost interest.
At the end of year seven, Kayleigh brought home one of the Twilight series - New Moon (I think). She was trying to read it in her English class, and she told me she wanted to see what all the fuss was about and she again found it hard to get into the book - She told me it would be easier to wait to see the movie. I told her that books always have more in them than movies and to try and persevere with the book. I don't know how much she got through but she still had it when she passed away and I got Natassja to secretly give it back to the library at school - it would have been 8 months overdue.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
A letter to Kayleigh
Dear Kayleigh,
It's been over a year since I last talked to you and last gave you a hug and so much has happened. Every day I think about you and what you might be doing and what you might think about. i found out last week that I'm going to have a little brother or sister for you, and although the news is happy I was sad because I know that you will have a sibling that will never know you, only hear about you and see you in movies we have taken. I know you would have been so happy because you ask me for another sister less than a week before you left. You were so excited and were talking about names and gender and what you thought was a good name. I would like to tell you that if we do have a little sister for you that the name we chose was the one you liked - Kymberly.
Every time I watch a movie I wonder if you would have liked it. Kiara's favourite movie Tangled - I know you would have loved. Some of the other movies we have watched which are not childrens movies I wonder what you would have thought. I know you used to sneak out and watch movies from the dining room where your dad couldn't see you. I knew you were there but didn't rat you out and I know there were some movies that you probably shouldn't have seen. I saw 'The Warrior's Way' the other day - a bit of a japanese mix with western movie - a little odd - and the first thing I thought of was whether you would have thought the same thing. Your Dad enjoyed it.
Every time I see an ambulance I get angry. I know it is not their fault that you are not here - but they took so long in getting to our house. I know they tried their hardest to get you back and at the hospital that night a saw several of them in tears. I just feel so much pain at the sight of an ambulance. I also feel a sense of loss every time I go past the hospital. I can see the window of the room you were in in the ICU wing. I always glance at it even though I don't want to, and remember you there and remember waiting for you to wake up and give me a smile and me to say ' Kayleigh, geez you gave us a fright!' but it never happened, I never got to speak with you again. Every day I struggle not to blame myself for what happened, for not knowing that you were in trouble, that you needed help, not calling an ambulance sooner. You were always so strong, maybe you felt OK, I don't know. I heard you arguing with Natassja and your voice was strong and you sounded so pissed off with her. I assumed that you were OK. I regret making that assumption every day because I thought you sounded normal. 10 minutes later you were gone.
I also wanted to tell you how proud I was of you. Through all the crap you went through and struggles that you had, you were always cheerful and happy. You always wanted to do your best, even if you didn't understand it. You always tried your hardest and you were always kind and considerate to every one around you. You forgave so many people for doing the wrong thing to you proving that you were the better person. You had a big heart and I could have seen you in a great job one day doing what you loved, surrounded by good friends and a nice guy. You would have made a great mum - better then me - because you were so tolerant with younger kids and especially Lucas and Kiara. They miss you so much.
I am missing you everyday, Love always Mum xxxooo
It's been over a year since I last talked to you and last gave you a hug and so much has happened. Every day I think about you and what you might be doing and what you might think about. i found out last week that I'm going to have a little brother or sister for you, and although the news is happy I was sad because I know that you will have a sibling that will never know you, only hear about you and see you in movies we have taken. I know you would have been so happy because you ask me for another sister less than a week before you left. You were so excited and were talking about names and gender and what you thought was a good name. I would like to tell you that if we do have a little sister for you that the name we chose was the one you liked - Kymberly.
Every time I watch a movie I wonder if you would have liked it. Kiara's favourite movie Tangled - I know you would have loved. Some of the other movies we have watched which are not childrens movies I wonder what you would have thought. I know you used to sneak out and watch movies from the dining room where your dad couldn't see you. I knew you were there but didn't rat you out and I know there were some movies that you probably shouldn't have seen. I saw 'The Warrior's Way' the other day - a bit of a japanese mix with western movie - a little odd - and the first thing I thought of was whether you would have thought the same thing. Your Dad enjoyed it.
Every time I see an ambulance I get angry. I know it is not their fault that you are not here - but they took so long in getting to our house. I know they tried their hardest to get you back and at the hospital that night a saw several of them in tears. I just feel so much pain at the sight of an ambulance. I also feel a sense of loss every time I go past the hospital. I can see the window of the room you were in in the ICU wing. I always glance at it even though I don't want to, and remember you there and remember waiting for you to wake up and give me a smile and me to say ' Kayleigh, geez you gave us a fright!' but it never happened, I never got to speak with you again. Every day I struggle not to blame myself for what happened, for not knowing that you were in trouble, that you needed help, not calling an ambulance sooner. You were always so strong, maybe you felt OK, I don't know. I heard you arguing with Natassja and your voice was strong and you sounded so pissed off with her. I assumed that you were OK. I regret making that assumption every day because I thought you sounded normal. 10 minutes later you were gone.
I also wanted to tell you how proud I was of you. Through all the crap you went through and struggles that you had, you were always cheerful and happy. You always wanted to do your best, even if you didn't understand it. You always tried your hardest and you were always kind and considerate to every one around you. You forgave so many people for doing the wrong thing to you proving that you were the better person. You had a big heart and I could have seen you in a great job one day doing what you loved, surrounded by good friends and a nice guy. You would have made a great mum - better then me - because you were so tolerant with younger kids and especially Lucas and Kiara. They miss you so much.
I am missing you everyday, Love always Mum xxxooo
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Growing up pigeon toed
When Kayleigh started walking we noticed that her right foot turned in a loooooong way and her left foot also turned in ( although not as much) so she was quite pigeon toed. We took her to the doctors and ask what we should do. Dr Reading was a great doctor (pity he retired) and he did a full check up and paid particular attention to the muscles in her feet and ankles and lower legs. Kayleigh's pigeon toes where not because she had issues with her muscles or joint formation, it was the way she taught herself to balance. The doctor told us not to worry because it wasn't effecting the way she walked or ran.
Kayleigh didn't notice her pigeon toes much, it didn't make any difference to her and no-one actually noticed (i mean who looks at your feet?!). By the time she got to being a teenager, you couldn't really notice that she was pigeon toed at all as her balance was alot better but it was noticeable when she got tired her foot turned in more. She also wore out the outside of her shoe more on the right foot because of the extra pressure applied on that side.
Kayleigh didn't notice her pigeon toes much, it didn't make any difference to her and no-one actually noticed (i mean who looks at your feet?!). By the time she got to being a teenager, you couldn't really notice that she was pigeon toed at all as her balance was alot better but it was noticeable when she got tired her foot turned in more. She also wore out the outside of her shoe more on the right foot because of the extra pressure applied on that side.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
There was a dark dark. ...........
I was reading the start of natassjas creative writing story and I got talking with her about stories her and kayleigh told to each other. I know every night before bed they would chat and make up stories and the one Natassja most remembered was one that was kind of silly:
In a dark dark world there was a dark dark forest. In this dark dark forest there was a dark dark tree and next to the tree there was a dark dark path. If you followed the dark dark path you came to a dark dark house. This dark dark house has a dark dark door. If you open this dark dark door you enter a dark dark room. Across this dark dark room is a dark dark staircase. If you go up the dark dark staircase there is another dark dark door. Open the dark dark door and go into the dark dark bedroom. On the floor of this dark dark bedroom is a dark dark cupboard. Inside the dark dark cupboard is a dark dark box...... And inside the dark dark box is ............. A rainbow scarf! ( or something else that completely doesn't go)
I love learning new things about Kayleigh I didn't know before. Although I saw her everyday and knew what she was like I am still finding things out about her that make me realize that she was even more then what I knew her to be.
In a dark dark world there was a dark dark forest. In this dark dark forest there was a dark dark tree and next to the tree there was a dark dark path. If you followed the dark dark path you came to a dark dark house. This dark dark house has a dark dark door. If you open this dark dark door you enter a dark dark room. Across this dark dark room is a dark dark staircase. If you go up the dark dark staircase there is another dark dark door. Open the dark dark door and go into the dark dark bedroom. On the floor of this dark dark bedroom is a dark dark cupboard. Inside the dark dark cupboard is a dark dark box...... And inside the dark dark box is ............. A rainbow scarf! ( or something else that completely doesn't go)
I love learning new things about Kayleigh I didn't know before. Although I saw her everyday and knew what she was like I am still finding things out about her that make me realize that she was even more then what I knew her to be.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Weight
At birth Kayleigh weighed 3.170 kgs, or 6 pound 13 3/4 oz ( close enough to 7 pounds!) and measured 52cm (she was a looooooong baby). As a baby her weight on the baby scale started off a little higher than the average and then flatten out to always be in between the average and the 25% percentile. As a child I neer worried about her weight, she was a very active little girl and she ate everything that was put in front of her without any issues. Kayleigh did have a preference for pasta dishes and roast dinner. as she got into her upper primary school years, I started noticing that she wasn't eating her lunch. I asked Kayleigh and she said she wasn't hungry at lunch time, but she always came home from school and ate things in the cupboard or fridge. I got a little frustrated and then told her to make her own sandwiches if she wasn't going to eat what I had made. I then found that Kayleigh didn't make her lunch at all. I approached her Year 6 teacher and asked her to ensure that Kayleigh was eating her lunch, but she never did, which annoyed me. By this stage Kayleigh was the smallest built girl in the year (and the shortest) but I think from what I know now, Kayleigh stopped eating at school because the other girls teased her and called her fat (!).
In year 7 at High School, I noticed again that she wasn't eating her lunch and I rang up her year group teacher Mr Haidon. He spoke with Kayleigh and figured out that she wasn't eating her sandwiches because they were jam sandwiches, which are high in sugar and in Kayleigh's mind, not healthy. Mr Haidon arranged with the canteen to make Kayleigh salad sandwiches - best thing ever. Kayleigh then ate lunch every day without fail. I told her that if she didn't Mr Haidon would find out and she would get into trouble, but she really enjoyed her (healthy) salad sandwiches so it wasn't an issue. (thank you Mr Haidon!)
When we got the Wii for Christmas that year, it had a BMI calculator built in, and weekly I would get Kayleigh to measure herself. She was always hovering around the bottom of the healthy weight range and many times she slipped into the 'underweight' category - most of these times were just after she grew. The worst measurement she had was 4 kilos under just after she had been sick for a couple of days. I always told her that she was genetically skinny (just look at her dad) but it was important for her to maintain her weight in the healthy category as underweight people, when they get sick, don't have the resources to help them get better faster. I also told her is she stayed under for too long I would take her to the doctor - something she didn't want to do. Kayleigh did take this to heart and tried to ensure that she was above the line.
At her passing, Kayleigh weight just 45 kgs, which with her height of 158 cm (just 4 cm shorter than her dad) put her just above the healthy weight line.
In year 7 at High School, I noticed again that she wasn't eating her lunch and I rang up her year group teacher Mr Haidon. He spoke with Kayleigh and figured out that she wasn't eating her sandwiches because they were jam sandwiches, which are high in sugar and in Kayleigh's mind, not healthy. Mr Haidon arranged with the canteen to make Kayleigh salad sandwiches - best thing ever. Kayleigh then ate lunch every day without fail. I told her that if she didn't Mr Haidon would find out and she would get into trouble, but she really enjoyed her (healthy) salad sandwiches so it wasn't an issue. (thank you Mr Haidon!)
When we got the Wii for Christmas that year, it had a BMI calculator built in, and weekly I would get Kayleigh to measure herself. She was always hovering around the bottom of the healthy weight range and many times she slipped into the 'underweight' category - most of these times were just after she grew. The worst measurement she had was 4 kilos under just after she had been sick for a couple of days. I always told her that she was genetically skinny (just look at her dad) but it was important for her to maintain her weight in the healthy category as underweight people, when they get sick, don't have the resources to help them get better faster. I also told her is she stayed under for too long I would take her to the doctor - something she didn't want to do. Kayleigh did take this to heart and tried to ensure that she was above the line.
At her passing, Kayleigh weight just 45 kgs, which with her height of 158 cm (just 4 cm shorter than her dad) put her just above the healthy weight line.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Split lip
Every year since Kayleigh was about 6 in autumn, her lips would dry out and she would get a split in her lip in the same spot every time. It didn't matter what we tried to do, it still split. Some years it would get better quickly but one year it did split quite badly and it took weeks and weeks to heal. after that she had a small scar under her lip where the split was. The funny thing it always coincided with Natassja getting a sore on her lip. Kayleigh never really complained about it, even though it must have really hurt as it would often bleed and it looked really bad.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Memory: Jordon Primrose
Jordon was Kayleigh's friend in the early primary school years until Jordon moved school.
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Kayleigh
We've always been really close we have known each other since we were tiny little kids we went to school together we played together and we shared laughs and smiles for many long years, we had so many memories of playing around having water and mud fights which i don't think our parents appreciated but whenever i was around you i always had fun no matter what we were doing, as i look back and think we never did once fight and it made our friendship stronger, i miss you a tons and you were a healthy young child but you were taken away but i will never forget you i love you more and more each day ♥
We've always been really close we have known each other since we were tiny little kids we went to school together we played together and we shared laughs and smiles for many long years, we had so many memories of playing around having water and mud fights which i don't think our parents appreciated but whenever i was around you i always had fun no matter what we were doing, as i look back and think we never did once fight and it made our friendship stronger, i miss you a tons and you were a healthy young child but you were taken away but i will never forget you i love you more and more each day ♥
Climbing the tree
In Year 5, Kayleigh got into the habit of climbing a tree on the way home from school. Natassja and their friend Alexandra would clamber up into this tree and see how far up, or across the branches they could get. Kayleigh, being her normal self would climb up to the top of the tree until the branches were too thin to support her.
To get into the tree, sometimes they would give each other a push up the truck until they could reach to lower branch and then Kayleigh decided to try another method. This tree, at that time has branches the were closer to the ground because of it's position near an underpass, with the steep sides of the ground where it goes up to the shops and the road level. Kayleigh located a suitable branch, that required her to jump up and grasp one of the twigs, and then pull the branch down until she could hold onto a thicker part. Kayleigh then jumped and swung and 'monkey walked' one hand over the other until the branch was thick enough for her to swing her legs up and around the branch. From there she pulled herself over until she was the right way up. Kayleigh, Natassja and Alexandra climbed that tree ever day while the parents stood around at the base chatting. When it was time to go, Kayleigh then climbed out on the other side of the tree, grabbed the branch she was standing on and then swung herself down. There was normally about 1 to 1 1/2 metres between herself and the ground but she let go of the branch without fear. Mind you she was landing on rather uneven ground but it never worried her and she never hurt herself. Kayleigh really had no fear when climbing that tree and I will always remember the happiness on her face as she stood at the top, the tallest thing around.
To get into the tree, sometimes they would give each other a push up the truck until they could reach to lower branch and then Kayleigh decided to try another method. This tree, at that time has branches the were closer to the ground because of it's position near an underpass, with the steep sides of the ground where it goes up to the shops and the road level. Kayleigh located a suitable branch, that required her to jump up and grasp one of the twigs, and then pull the branch down until she could hold onto a thicker part. Kayleigh then jumped and swung and 'monkey walked' one hand over the other until the branch was thick enough for her to swing her legs up and around the branch. From there she pulled herself over until she was the right way up. Kayleigh, Natassja and Alexandra climbed that tree ever day while the parents stood around at the base chatting. When it was time to go, Kayleigh then climbed out on the other side of the tree, grabbed the branch she was standing on and then swung herself down. There was normally about 1 to 1 1/2 metres between herself and the ground but she let go of the branch without fear. Mind you she was landing on rather uneven ground but it never worried her and she never hurt herself. Kayleigh really had no fear when climbing that tree and I will always remember the happiness on her face as she stood at the top, the tallest thing around.
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| Image Kayleigh at the top in her rainbow jumper. Note that they have now cut the lower branches off :( Spoil sports. |
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Drawing
Kayleigh liked to draw but because Natassja is quite talented at drawing I think she felt that her drawings weren't as good. I know that she said she always wanted to be better at drawing - probably to give Natassja a run for her money - the same way Natassja always said she wanted to be more flexible like Kayleigh so she could be competitive with something Kayleigh was good at.
One week, Kayleigh put alot of effort into drawing the Chelsea football club symbol. It was on her doona cover. I watched Kayleigh draw some of it, and she was so careful and spent probably close to 10 hours drawing it before colouring it in. It wasn't prefect, but Kayleigh was really proud of it.
Another Kayleigh drew was a copy of a doodle that I drew. It is a flower that's started of as a star, with the petals drawn around it. I drew it once, and then Kayleigh copied it everywhere. I found scribbles of it in her drawing book and in the school books. The picture that I have attached below is one of the last she did. If I was ever to get a tattoo, it would be of this.
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One week, Kayleigh put alot of effort into drawing the Chelsea football club symbol. It was on her doona cover. I watched Kayleigh draw some of it, and she was so careful and spent probably close to 10 hours drawing it before colouring it in. It wasn't prefect, but Kayleigh was really proud of it.
Another Kayleigh drew was a copy of a doodle that I drew. It is a flower that's started of as a star, with the petals drawn around it. I drew it once, and then Kayleigh copied it everywhere. I found scribbles of it in her drawing book and in the school books. The picture that I have attached below is one of the last she did. If I was ever to get a tattoo, it would be of this.
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| LIZOG - Don't ask me what it is, or why she drew it |
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The "d" word
During Year 6, Kayleigh often came home miserable, angry and uncommunicative. For people that knew her after she started high school, this might be hard to imagine.
Kayleigh on the whole was a bright cheerful girl who tried hard not to let things get to her, but after a lengthy period of being every Year 6 girls' butt of every joke, and copping it from everyone around her, Kayleigh self -esteem got to an all time low. Kayleigh would talk about how stupid she was and how she didn't get how to scan documents into the computer when every one else could and how she had no friends. During real low points we would get into arguments and she would tell me that she wanted to be dead, because no one would miss her and it would be easier without her. I always hugged her then, even though she struggled, and told her that it would get easier, that these girls wouldn't be in her life forever (most of them went to MacKillip). We had days that Kayleigh refused to go to school - point blank refusal - and I didn't have it in my heart to make her go.
Kayleigh often wrote on the wood under her bed, funny things, naughty rude things, and things about how she felt. A number of times she wrote 'I just want to die'. As a parent is was so distressing for us because Kayleigh wasn't doing anything wrong, she was being bullied by girls who thought it was amusing to make fun of her, cut her hair, steal her things and push her around. Kayleigh hated school then and hated herself for no good reason and the best thing that happened was starting high school and finding out that people, on the whole, are nice and would stick up for her if someone said something nasty. I look at her scribblings under her bed and think to myself that yes, sometimes Kayleigh felt that she was useless and unliked but there was no way that she did actually want to die.
Kayleigh on the whole was a bright cheerful girl who tried hard not to let things get to her, but after a lengthy period of being every Year 6 girls' butt of every joke, and copping it from everyone around her, Kayleigh self -esteem got to an all time low. Kayleigh would talk about how stupid she was and how she didn't get how to scan documents into the computer when every one else could and how she had no friends. During real low points we would get into arguments and she would tell me that she wanted to be dead, because no one would miss her and it would be easier without her. I always hugged her then, even though she struggled, and told her that it would get easier, that these girls wouldn't be in her life forever (most of them went to MacKillip). We had days that Kayleigh refused to go to school - point blank refusal - and I didn't have it in my heart to make her go.
Kayleigh often wrote on the wood under her bed, funny things, naughty rude things, and things about how she felt. A number of times she wrote 'I just want to die'. As a parent is was so distressing for us because Kayleigh wasn't doing anything wrong, she was being bullied by girls who thought it was amusing to make fun of her, cut her hair, steal her things and push her around. Kayleigh hated school then and hated herself for no good reason and the best thing that happened was starting high school and finding out that people, on the whole, are nice and would stick up for her if someone said something nasty. I look at her scribblings under her bed and think to myself that yes, sometimes Kayleigh felt that she was useless and unliked but there was no way that she did actually want to die.
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| The writing under the bed. |
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The Punching Bag
When Kayleigh was having problems at primary school she was getting very frustrated and had alot of anger. The alleviate some of that, Terence bought Kayleigh a punching bag. Not a very lady-like piece of equipment but it suited the purpose. Terence spent hours with Kayleigh teaching her how to punch properly to not hurt her wrists and how to kick the bag. Terence even bought her a nice pair of pink coloured boxing gloves.
Kayleigh spent between 10 minutes to an hour a day taking her frustrations out on the bag. Her punches started get a bit of weight behind them as she learnt to 'punch through' the bag. I know when she punched her dad on the arms she bruised him a couple of times. The main aim of the bag was to get her to be less angry and it worked. Kayleigh learnt how to punch hard, kick with aggression but more importantly to take her frustration out on something that could handle it.
Kayleigh spent between 10 minutes to an hour a day taking her frustrations out on the bag. Her punches started get a bit of weight behind them as she learnt to 'punch through' the bag. I know when she punched her dad on the arms she bruised him a couple of times. The main aim of the bag was to get her to be less angry and it worked. Kayleigh learnt how to punch hard, kick with aggression but more importantly to take her frustration out on something that could handle it.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Friends thoughts
Over the last year I have received or read many thoughts of Kayleigh from her friends. I thought it would be nice to put some of them on here. Some have been emailed to me, put on her FaceBook page, or people just telling me. WE all know that people (especially teenage girls) have a 'home' persona and a 'school' persona and its allowed me to see what she was like at school with her friends.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Forgotten photos - Down the coast
I was looking through the photos on my computer. I just loaded all my old photos onto it (new laptop) and I found these photos taken by Nanny and Grandad when they took Kayleigh and Natassja down to Batemans Bay a few years ago. Nanny and Grandad took Kayleigh down the coast a couple of times, just for a day trip and she really had fun playing the the sand, jumping in the waves and eating fresh fish with chips at the Batemans Bay fish and chip shops. I think the photos show how happy she was.
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Thursday, July 7, 2011
Doing the right thing for friends
With all the issues Kayleigh had with making friends, she always did the right thing by the friends she did have. I know that Kayleigh would keep a secret and not gossip about her friends, or start rumours. I know that some of her so-called friends in primary school started all sorts of mean and nasty rumours about her and did not ever keep her confidence. One girl she told when she got her first period, by lunch time that day even the boys in her class knew, which is really embarrassing for a girl in year 6 who struggled to be accepted. Kayleigh always kept her friends confidences because she knew what it felt like to be humiliated by people who turned out to be untrustworthy.
Kayleigh also knew when a friends confidence shouldn't be kept. In year 7, one of her friends were self-harming themselves. Kayleigh was very worried and she didn't know what to do. Her friend made her swaer not to tell anyone, but as this situation was dangerous, Kayleigh did the right thing, but not telling her other friends but by coming home and telling me. Kayleigh asked me what to do, what should she say? how could she help her friend? ........ I told her to tell her year advisor or the counsellor at the school as they were the best people to deal with it, and they could also make sure that her friend did not have to know it was her that raised the issue. Kayleigh was relieved as she thought the best way to help her friend was to get her help. The school dealt with the issue well and her friend did find out it was Kayleigh that said something (Kayleigh admitted it to her) and she thanked Kayleigh for it because she didn't have it in her herself to seek help from the counsellor. Kayleigh did the right thing for her friend.
Kayleigh also knew when a friends confidence shouldn't be kept. In year 7, one of her friends were self-harming themselves. Kayleigh was very worried and she didn't know what to do. Her friend made her swaer not to tell anyone, but as this situation was dangerous, Kayleigh did the right thing, but not telling her other friends but by coming home and telling me. Kayleigh asked me what to do, what should she say? how could she help her friend? ........ I told her to tell her year advisor or the counsellor at the school as they were the best people to deal with it, and they could also make sure that her friend did not have to know it was her that raised the issue. Kayleigh was relieved as she thought the best way to help her friend was to get her help. The school dealt with the issue well and her friend did find out it was Kayleigh that said something (Kayleigh admitted it to her) and she thanked Kayleigh for it because she didn't have it in her herself to seek help from the counsellor. Kayleigh did the right thing for her friend.
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